Clare Walton
46 years old living in Norfolk!
Comparison is the thief of all joy they say - it’s true
Don’t look back look forward - another good one
Don’t dwell on the past
Look forward you are only going that way
The only way out is through!
Fuck right off is what I wanted to rage at this oh so helpful advice - was I angry? - had I so much rage and no one understood? Was I grieving the most painful experience of my life? If I was, I hid it so well and still do sometimes!
My counsellor was the only one who listened! No one understands the pain of being childless not by choice apart from another women who has experienced the same.
New social situations used fo be my biggest fear - through the inane connection chat - that question would loom - do you have kids?
I have chosen to end my relationship with the shame and the taboo of being childless or child free not by choice. I get to choose who I speak honestly and openly too this is my right! I choose to make a kindness assessment, instead of being judged for never having children, I judge and assess you - do you have the capacity to hold my pain sensitively, with compassion love and caring! I choose to give you the privilege of hearing my true story or I may choose to placate you with - Well I had a really full on career in the police, I don’t have kids but I have 6 dogs, yeah my fur family my fur babies, yes I am lucky we have an abundant life I travel loads! Will you listen without judgment? Can you listen without judgment? Without fixing? Without the usual well meaning, you can have my kids, your so lucky all that freedom.
I am walking a path with little precedent I am the artist of my own life I can create the life I want! Through my darkest days of learning to accept I will never have children I have found the greatest freedom and peace. Truly I have.
True joy can be born from the deepest heartache.
I have gone full circle in acceptance of where my life now is - this journey has taken me though the hardest years of my life so far and the pain will never completely go it just softens I have softened, the raging anger has subsided and I have found compassion - I have been in conversations with mothers who spaeak about there children driving them mad in the holidays, wishing their children’s lives away so they can find theirs - feeling their lives are on hold! I have spoken with angry mothers, tired mothers who live under a patriarchal roof! I have heard I never really wanted kids, it just happened so quickly we didn’t even think anout it! All of our life experiences are valid, we are all operating from fear deep down, just because you have children doesn’t mean it’s easy and neither is it easy just because I don’t.
We are all here for this human experience of pain suffering, joy and happiness! The light and the dark coexist - we all coexist whether you are a mother or not.
Can we not compassion for each other what ever the life experience! Haven’t we been pitted against each other for long enough, can this not end now? Can we let go of the jealously, the competition, the fear, we all have that shadow side all of us!
Can we choose our words in social situations without trying to place each other in boxes, social confines can we try and connect in another way!
New social situations used to fill me with dread - The question loomed so do you have ……… I used to sign off immediately to the person asking, something in my head would say, you and me will never connect - Ever! I try to look behind the question now - why are you asking that! Most of the time it is asked with no malice no meaning. It is just part of inane small talk - I provide the meaning to that question as it is asked I bring my pain and put the meaning to that question. They have no concept that the question they are asking - was the reason I wanted to end my life. It is social chitter chatter - superficial, social standing box ticking bollocks! Usually in my experience the convertsation never deepens. That is ok we are not for everyone and everyone is definitely not for us
I have always struggled with the small talk. I am at my happiest in a concersations with deeply honest, vulnerable women who have felt shame, pain and maybe even believed at one point it would be easiest to habit-ate under a rock for the rest of our days to save the emotional turmoil (maybe that was just me)! You my friend are definitely not a school mum and to socialise in this circle can be brutal if we allow the meaning of the words to affect you we will never get to light up as you talk of our beautiful children and that is ok!
The way forward is to try and remove the meaning -always remembering we are unique and incomprehensible to most -a life without children -what the hell do you do with that !!!!!!
Here is a a C.V a C.V to me!
A way to finding me after accepting the pain of accepting what a childless life not by choice can be! My clunky process to find a way forward was not a Linear. I hope you can find your clunky process too and embrace it. I hope you can find your peace on the other side of this.
A C.V, all the glowing points of your life, all your accolades and qualifications the best version of you!
No one ever puts the trauma, pain heartache, the truly life effecting, life changing events of their lives on a C.V, cos it’s painful right, there’s shame hurt and heartache there and who wants to look at that!
That is not what you want to know or employ - or is it?
So here is my C.V I am childless not by choice and I am proud of me! I would shout this from the rooftops too, I don’t hide my truth I will talk openly if i thought it would help one other women struggling to navigate this road !
1998 at the age of 21 after completing a degree in english and theatre studies I joined the police in london for 17 years. The career taught me resilience, strength, courage, I learnt how to handle other peoples pain and trauma with love and compassion. Life is completely uncontrollable and so many sad events can change the course in a blink of an eye. It showed me the strength in humans to recover from trauma, from addiction, from life events that has affected every single part of their life without blame or fault of their own. Tragic life changing circumstance and the choices that gives, the choice after any event, to let those events sink you or through deep hard tough soul searching work make you fly! It taught me to be humble and see the best in humanity even when it was at its worse.
I took a career break in 2017 to find a better work life balance.
I got married in 2017 and retrained and gained qualifications in floristry.
During 2019- 2020, I had IVF and went though an adoption process that did not work out - I am childless not by choice.
In 2020 I wanted to end my life, was full of anger and rage and wanted to disconnect from every person I knew. Due to heart palpitation’s and heart ache I went to the doctor, they offered me anti depressants and no other support. The offer of anti-depressants was my wake up for me to seek a counsellor.
In 2020 - 2022 I started worked with a counsellor and life coach. I still work with the coach to this date.
2020 I was a manager of a beautiful florist shop.
2022 was a good joyous year !
2022 I moved permanently to a beautiful village in north norfolk, moving gave me peace, clarity and space to breathe. I could walk in nature and be on the coast. I have always loved the sea and swimming. I learned to accept my life as it is.
Being childless not by choice has changed the entire course of my life. My counsellor helped me see my worth.
I started volunteer work with young adults with complex mental health issues, down’s syndrome and autism. I love this work it is challenging and very rewarding.
I volunteered at a local food bank.
I had been volunteering at a children’s hospital for 3 years where I take my dog Sid who is an authorised pets as therapy dog this is an incredibly humbling role which I love dearly.
Nov 2022 - I travelled to Greece and trained as a yoga teacher obtaining 200 yoga teacher qualification in hatha vinyasa yoga.
January 2023 I am the storm yoga came to life - I started teaching yoga at a local village hall to members of my community I work with 2 dog rescue charities and all proceeds for the first year of my teaching will go directly to them! I currently have 6 rescue dogs of my own. The loves of my life !
In March 2023 - I started teaching yoga at a local watermill that the owners have kindly enabled me to use as a yoga studio - The universe was aligning for me !
I have had many teaching opportunities this year and my confidence continues to grow!
I have a regular yoga practice and teach currently 4 classes a week, I run my first summer solstice event this year which was successful, I love helping men and women come into their own power though practicing yoga, I feel privileged to hold space for many who go though so much in life. I am honoured to be able to help people find some peace! Life can be full of pain and I love to help people try and let that go !
I am retuning to Greece to train in yin, yoga nidra and restorative yoga this September.
In January I travel to goa India to complete a further 300 yoga teach training and embrace a yogi lifestyle.
My website for my yoga business is underway! I have a purpose at soul level and I am so grateful.
My life is unrecognisable to what it was, I am very different as a person I have much better boundaries, I am less of a people pleaser and much better at living a good life for myself. The catalyst for all the change is due to being childless not by choice - there is a tender space in my heart for the experience of not having children - I am now grateful for how my life is going and I would not change where I am for anything. I am grateful for the loving friendships and support I have experienced along the way. There will be dark times again that is life I accept that but there has been so much joy in my the last year than I have ever experienced before in my life. I am truly grateful for all of my life experiences as I would not be where I am without them.
Please do not give up if you are struggling, find professional help and learn to live your life as the best fullest version of yourself whatever that may look like! It’s hard, it’s painful, life is a bitter sweet experience for all, it takes time, it takes a lot of time, on the other side there is acceptance of this sad occurrence and so much Joy to be found. My life doesn’t look like anyone else’s it mine, it’s my choices I choose my life my happiness! No one else is or can be responsible for my happiness other than me.
