Opening Doors

Maria Hill

I never imagined being where I am today. I never imagined the estrangement from the traditional world would be so great, and I never expected the coldness and hardness I experienced by being different. I never expected the vehement rejection. I did not expect the defiance of my traditional family.

I am different in multiple ways since I am sensitive, an empath, and childless.  I would not say that I have a real Plan B. It feels like I have been on a different path my whole life. Whatever expectations that were held for my life never made sense to me, nor did they feel right.

No one in my family has asked me about being childless. They look at me like I am a freak. Since I work at home, it has actually been rare that it has come up in conversation, in general. I once had a dry cleaner who would nag me every time I visited her shop, but that was easy enough to deal with since there were so many alternatives.

Sometimes, I think that by being different, I fell off the face of the earth to many people. They did not know what to do with me. Still don’t.

However, I did not think that being different would make such a difference in my ability to create a life that worked for me or to be a part of the existing one. It seems to me that we have created a frozen world with no real room for growth. Self-expression, and being one's self are too often marketing tools. Identity also fits us into someone’s demographic framework without room to breathe or move. We get frozen by this rigid world we have created, bruised from bumping into walls not of our own making. Then we get told the problem is us.

It is not.

The amount of crazy-making nonsense, manipulation etc., that dominates our social world and denies to so many people the necessary solutions to our major problems has been astonishing to me. The ruthless attachment to power and privilege has also. The disregard for the marginalized and the earth and willingness to allow the trauma and destruction of our world is disgusting at best. I would never in a million years have assumed the kind of willful destruction we see. What good is having the upper hand in a dead world?

Moving forward has been challenging because I am not interested in using my time and energy to support the destructiveness I see. I do not respect the indifference I am seeing. I cannot support the power madness.

I can, however, support the change to a more humane and sustainable world, one that many people have been working on often silently and invisibly for a long time.

I can support the healing and emergence of women and sensitive people. I am happy to create what is needed so that everyone has their place in the world.

These are big changes.

In my life?

I love animals and will continue to do so. I have divorced and downsized so that I have a lot of freedom to do the work that matters to me. I have moved to an area of the US that seems less susceptible but not immune to hurricanes, wildfires, and floods in other areas.

I have done a lot of healing work and enjoy a joy practice which includes meditation, Theta Healing, and a gratitude practice. I work on my health using Ayurveda. Overall, I feel lucky to have this time to myself and to work. A neighborhood cat visits me every day, and we have a sweet friendship. It looks like he will move in permanently soon. Simplifying and taking better care of myself means I sleep better. I am relatively content, and that feels good.

I no longer try to make things work that cannot, and I try to know what that means in any given situation. I recognize the benefit of being lost - you get to try new directions. I think it can take a lot of getting lost to shed what does not belong to you.

I think I am here for the cultural and personal changes we are going through and will continue to do what I can to support it. We need a new story. We need fresh thinking and new ideas about what it means to be human. That means we need to open the door to new questions about how we can be and how we can live. I will not be writing the new narratives, but I am glad I can help us get to the point as a species where we can have a new one.