Liz C
My journey of acceptance as a #womanofcolour who is #childlessnotbychoice began in August 2017, approximately 19 months after officially ending all attempts to have a child of my own. I stumbled across the early days of the Not So Mommy blog and then discovered the inaugural World Childless Week.
In August 2018, on the fourth anniversary of a major loss in my attempts at motherhood, I realised I had been imagining that life with a child would have been nothing short of spectacular. But why? Because all the books and movies said so? In reality, I was not paying attention to this amazing life I had created with my husband and our 2 furbabies. That was the day I created my hashtag #RedefiningmyPlanA to reflect the years of how I moved forward from life’s challenges and losses.
In May 2019, I was encouraged by Brandi of Not So Mommy to put my thoughts and my approach to a childless life to hopefully help others so I created my Facebook page for Redefining my Plan A. There have been many ups and downs in my life since 2019, both professionally and personally. Reminding myself that I can and have actively chosen to thrive, not just survive, from life’s challenges keeps me somewhat grounded on the tough days that continue to pop up and on the dates I can’t seem to forget from my infertility journey.
When I was preparing for writing this submission, I decided to look up a definition for moving forwards and came across a 2019 LinkedIn article titled “Keep Moving Forward”. These words below from the article particularly resonated with me.
Life can be a tough ride. Sometimes it knocks you down for no good reason. There will be strokes of fate and deep hits that will suck the zest for life out of you. It may even get so difficult that all hope seems lost.
What matters is that you have the willingness to keep going despite the great challenges.
So how does one move forwards when you are childless either by circumstances or infertility? It is definitely not easy but it’s also not impossible. I’ve accepted that it is possible to move forwards in life without being able to have a human child. Building connections with others in a similar situation has really helped! While I acknowledge that my furkids are not a substitute for human children, I know that the act of mothering is not limited to raising humans. I continue to look for ways to have a fulfilling life by creating new memories and traditions that are unique to me.
Earlier this year, I made time one weekend to create a Vision Board for myself. It was a very cathartic experience as it got me thinking about what’s important for my mind, body and soul to move forwards but also making time to just stop and reflect.
Here’s how I have chosen to embrace the life I have (without children):
Making time for my marriage with at least one monthly date night or trying out new fun (and often geeky) activities.
Creating new family traditions with my husband– having a “Christmas with Friends” party at home the week before Christmas and on New Year's Eve, we get dressed up and go out for lunch to a fancy restaurant.
Creating new family traditions with our furbabies –going out for breakfast on Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Christmas Eve etc. We even set up an Easter egg hunt at home with treats made from a local business Doggy Delights Australia who knows my situation and respects my role as a furmumma.
Making the effort to stay in touch with long term friends who know my journey.
Building new local connections with other women without children and creating new memories through a shared zest for life.
Making time to reflect on what is going well (or not so well) in my life by having a growth mindset and writing posts for my page Redefining my Plan A.
Making time for self-care including avoiding situations where I may feel triggered by past traumas – I usually take a day off from work and book an appointment with my psychologist.
Being able to say “no” or “not today” to ensure I don’t overcommit myself including having at least one weekend “off” a month from all social engagements.
Doing my best every day to find 3 things to be grateful.
Having a wide collection of stationery, journals and notebooks to help me think differently about my hopes, dreams and goals.
I recently read a quote from Simon Sinek,a well-known international figure for leadership development, that has totally changed my outlook on life.
People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
As someone who is mostly optimistic or at least pragmatic as much as possible, reading this quote enabled me to a have a different insight to my outlook on life. By #RedefiningmyPlanA, I now know that life after acceptance of being childless is very much like refilling the glass with something else or even replacing the glass if needed. I recently had a short break from work and as I was drinking a fabulous glass of French Rose, I took a few photos of the wine level going down……knowing that I could get it easily refilled.
I hope that anyone reading this knows that while I have moved forwards in life, there are days where I don’t always feel that way. And that is okay! Allow yourself to pause whenever you need or take yourself to somewhere you feel peace. For me, that’s the beach. The waves ebbing and flowing as they crash on the shore is my place to reset any feelings of sadness and replace them with a renewed sense of calm.
When moving forwards, always do it at your own pace and do it in a way that suits you.
