Cecilia Ann Fru Rebild
Is there an insect in my ear? An earwig? He looked. No, there is nothing, said my husband. Now just sleep. I had woken up in the night and was groggy and heard a strange hissing. Thought there was something in my ear.
One night two years ago, I lost the hearing in one ear.
In the morning I was dizzy. I was nauseous. Headache. Maybe I had Covid. We drove to the test center. I threw up. The test was negative. What is this?
The doctor said: You cannot hear in one ear. Maybe your hearing will come back. You need to see a specialist. The dizziness was still there. I slept and slept.
The specialist examined me. Hearing tests. Now, if I'm guessing the words correctly, I guess it's not so bad. Was it something with my brain? With my balance? An MRI scan. Was there a lump on my auditory nerve?
No, I have sudden deafness. That's what it's called. Nothing else. Sudden Deafness. Not even a Latin term.
Will I get my hearing back? Nah, not when you've lost so much.
We never became parents. That was our big wish. We had spent many years trying to become parents.
I was convinced that I had to make an extra effort to still be interesting - to continue to be included in the community. Remain relevant. Now that I don't have what most others have. Now that I don't experience the joys, the happiness, the worries, and the sorrows that many others experience - in their parenthood.
When they talk about and ask about each other's children, schooling, leisure interests, challenges. So what do I tell? When they invite you to christenings, student parties or worry about the children. What do I do then?
I still hoped that I would get my hearing back.
The specialist said your capacity – your work capacity will probably be affected by the hearing loss.
I did not know what to do. At first, I felt a strange relief. After all, I wasn't seriously ill. I was tired. I was dizzy. I slept on the couch several hours a day. The neighbor gave me reflexology. The friend said try acupuncture, it works. It didn't help me. The hearing test showed the same.
I couldn't hear anything when many people were talking in a room. I was surprised when a person stood in front of me, a car, a bicycle - I had not heard that. I didn't know how to behave. Can I work? Can I enjoy being with other people? Talking to others?
My hearing did not come back. And when you have no hearing, you cannot use an ordinary hearing aid. I got on the waiting list for a CROS (the sound is picked up by a microphone on the deaf side and wirelessly passed to a microphone on the able-bodied side).
I was tired. Dizzy. And couldn't eat anything. It howled and clicked in my deaf ear.
The music sounded different, the stereo had disappeared. I could not determine the direction of the sounds - where is the person who is calling me? I couldn't hear what was being said. I concentrated to hear.
I accepted a job. Fantastic company. I was tired. I was dizzy. I was sad. I lacked energy. I called the House of Hearing (offers professional advice on hearing problems). I had conversations with the psychologist. I was at the counseling evening. I found articles and groups online. I was still sad and lacked energy. I slept all weekends.
I quit my job. Started as self-employed. I continued the conversations with the psychologist.
The loss of hearing gave me the opportunity to understand my 'non-parent' identity anew.
I had been convinced that I had to do something extra, we had to do something extra. If we didn't do something extra, then we wouldn't be relevant to the circle of friends, colleagues or society. (Elon Musk 2023, who will remove the right to vote for the childless)
We have not contributed with the most elementary thing - to reproduce ourselves. We have not contributed with new citizens. And we have not experienced the greatest happiness, as Rasmus Willig describes, for example, 'the greatest joy in my life was when I had my children' (Willig, KristeligtDagblad 7 July 2023).
So, I thought I had to do something extra. Do something extra to be accepted.
I worked extra hard. I tried to be such a good leader that maybe I could make up for not being a parent. I listened, asked questions and spoke little. I organized gatherings, activities and offered my help. There is nothing wrong with that. I will continue to do so.
No one knows why I have lost the hearing in one ear. There is very little research into sudden deafness. Maybe it's prolonged stress. But did I have it? I do not know.
And is there a connection between being deaf in one ear and not being parents when you want to? For me, experiencing – twice –a loss that others don't necessarily understand. It was difficult. It was hard. I felt alone, outside and not seen. So no, there is not necessarily a linear relationship, but in the process of going deaf I became aware of my misconception.
The realization of my misconception didn't come just like that. The conversations with the psychologist helped me. Writing about my experiences helped me. Having a different type of work life helped me.
I understand now that I am okay the way I am. I don't have to do extra to be accepted because I and we don't have children.
A feeling that yes, I can't hear out of one ear, yes I don't have children. Yes, it is unfair. And that's okay. I am who I am. I have found a lightness. The lightness makes me clearer. The lightness makes me turn up the music. The lightness makes me dance. The lightness makes me believe that everything will be okay – most of the time.
