Janine Ford
And so
I had to move to the other side of the world
To grieve
In private
Away from smug mothers
And the new Madonnas. Blessed with child who boasted
– it was the best thing they’d done
– they’d found life’s true meaning
So I thought sod you
I’d play hard. No mercy
To show you I’d be no handmaiden
For you. You and your children
I’d start again
In a foreign land
With an unfathomable tongue
I'd find my own bloody meaning
And there, I’d have adventures
I’d go to Turkey, Bulgaria and Romania
Galicia, Lisbon, Lebanon and Armenia
I’d show you life’s meaning
But running hither and beyond
Still standing at the abyss
Staring out to nothingness, it was clear
My empty sack couldn’t stand
Cos no Camino trodden or road less travelled
Could cough up that meaning
Unfilled spaces. Missing parts. Too much room
No sense of belonging
And in the land of unfathomable words I felt
– isolated
– excluded
– othered
Again.
All religions … it's said … begin with a cry for help
But I would cry to no religion
Instead
I’d call out to people, like me
Who’d wanted badly, like me
Desired fully, like me
Left empty-armed, like me
I’d find my horde. My cohort. My group.
My voice. In solidarity.
I’d light up. With others like me
Like flowers
Standing in our own bloomin’ sun
So I’m hauling this anchor up
And making for home
No longer lost
Nor looking for something
Departing for a new world. The old world
I’m moving back. But forwards
A little easier
A little freer
A little kinder
Hope’s return
With nothing but blue sky in my eyes
Not watching, but reaching
Up and on
