10th April 2012, my husband and I had just failed our 4th and final attempt at IVF. I was 33yrs old, living in London and just about to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. Knowing with finality on that day there would be no pregnancy and no birth children. That was the hardest day of my life. It marked the beginning of starting to live Plan B, little did I know that it would lead to Plan B(est).
Fast forward 9yrs. We are now living in Australia, I’ve changed career, we’ve become Australian citizens, purchased some investment properties and in 2020 purchased a plot of land near Sydney next to a river. We currently live in a boat house with plans to build a larger property in a few years. This year we also celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.
The last 9years have involved some hard work, tough decisions and dealing with further loss. In particular,saying goodbye to my Mum who died from cancer 2mths before we emigrated to Australia. Then saying goodbye to the rest of our family & friends not knowing if we’d ever return. We left the UK in 2014 with 5 suitcases on a one way ticket having never been to Australia before with the words of a poem in our minds;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I (we) took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost
I share our story to encourage and inspire others. We’re not special, we didn’t have heaps of money - in fact we left the UK with only a few months savings. What we did have was the willingness not to allow our pain and disappointment to define us. We chose life, we chose to dream again and to see where that took us, and as Robert Frost said,‘… that has made all the difference’.
I don’t where you are on your journey of ‘Moving Forward’; maybe you haven’t started, maybe you don’t know when to start due to unexplained infertility and the possibility still of hope, or maybe you’re on your way but not sure of the next step. Here are some of the stepsI took that helped me and I hope they may help you too. If you’re reading this and not ready to take the step to move forward yet I hope they are an encouragement to you, there is hope and life can be good… life can be very good.
Steps in Moving Forward
Acknowledge the pain, grief & disappointment& be kind to yourself–This was an early lesson for me and is a practice I still need to allow myself to do from time to time especially when something unexpectedly triggers me.
Look for the rainbows - Acknowledge what you do have and bring gratitude into your daily routine, even when you don’t ‘feel’ like doing it. I would say this was one of the most important steps for me and is now a daily practice. A rainbow for me is a spiritual representation of a promise of a life after everything has seemingly been washed away.
Agree with your partner that you are ‘enough’ for each other- Commit to exploring Plan B(est) together.
Exercise regularly -Especially when you don’t feel like it. The body’s endorphins are super powerful. I took up trail running which meets my need forphysical exercise, supports my mental health and my love of being in nature.
Say goodbye to your previous identity - The identity of someone ‘trying to conceive’, then of someone‘who is grieving’. In the early days this step was hard.I felt guilty saying goodbye to this part of myself, I felt I was dishonouring my lifelong dream and a societal cultural expectation to be a mum.I needed to let this part of me go and believe that out of the ashes something new and beautiful would emerge.
Be willing to explore a new identity - Ask yourself, ‘who else can I be, what do I want to do, what do I want to experience, how can I contribute?’. This is an ongoing journey with no defined destination. It’s taken me across the world to many countries, involved setting up a new life in Australia, into a new career, and recently becoming a Leadership and Personal Development Coach.
Dare to dream again - And then start to push the boundaries of your limited beliefs.This is another hard but important step due to fear of experiencing disappointment. I started small with creating plan B’s & C’s knowing that Plan B’s may become plan B(ests). Personal coaching was the key for me in exploring my limiting beliefs and unlocking future opportunities.
And finally, as Bear Grylls is known for saying ‘NEVER GIVE UP’!
Photo by Neal E. Johnson on Unsplash