The reason for this is to highlight to others what NOT TO SAY. It will never cease to surprise me how now that I am ready to talk about my journey how many others become more aware of potential others and are able to possibly recognise the lies and then begin to stop asking the questions those of us trying dread or even better say comforting things.
Mental health was once a forbidden and hidden topic, thankfully now it is more open than ever and more understood. Truth of the matter is infertility is still a bit of a taboo topic and it needn’t be. The more people know what NOT TO SAY the better those struggling will be able to cope.
My infertility journey lasted about a decade and a half of my life. I have found there were four different stages in my openness about it. The first was total secrecy from everyone, the second was a tad more to family and close friends and those who I felt were possibly in the same situation. The third was after many years of trying and ready to speak a bit more about it. The fourth is where I am now, totally readyto speak openly in hope of giving those in the first and second and third stages some peace.
Stage one, I told no one, perhaps my close friend but not even family, friends or colleagues. The lies I told were:
Nah I am happy enough
Jeepers I struggle to look after myself
I like being able to do all the things I want without having to worry,
Nah I love my three holidays a year
Do any of these statements sound familiar?
The truth of the matter was the three holidays were to try and relax and to try and conceive. Strategically booked around the middle of cycle time. My husband did the same, and people believed us. They tried to encourage us to have kids, my work colleagues with the best intentions,thinking I didn’t want kids, made a point of calling me over to every baby in a pram brought into the shop and saying oh look, how can you not want one, whilst inside my heart was breaking. I got to the point where when I was tidying cards, I would have tears in my eyes at the congratulations on your beautiful new girl or boy, no one seen this, no one also seen the night my husband and I came home from a night out where we both lied as we did, watched the news of a 9-year-old girl being found dead in a bathtub so neglected. That night we just both held each other and cried, there were no words needed by either of us, we both just knew how the news hurt.
The second stage is where we begin to lie to others and ourselves. The medical journey may begin and you open up a little more, tell close friends and family. This is where you get the advice that you do not want to hear or need. MAYBE YOU’RE TRYING TO HARD, TRY TO RELAX AND GO ON HOLDIAY. Others outside the close circle we have built up we will continue the lie or we will say ah we will see what happens then you get the advice, relax go on holidays blah blah. You lie to yourself thinking OH I HAVE BREAST PAIN, MAYBE THIS MONTH, OH I CAN’T THINK THAT WAY OR I WILL BE DISAPPOINTED, even worse if you start treatment, you try not to hope but of course you can’t help but hope. My way was to take a pregnancy test a day or two before my period came, then I was prepared for the disappointment when it happened. Call it SELF CARE.
The third is possibly at the end when you are childless and starting to accept it, I found myself progressing more and more to being more open about it. I WOULD HAVE LOVED CHILDREN, BUT GOD SEEMS TO HAVE OTHER IDEAS FOR ME was one I told quite a lot. This is where the WHY DON’T YOU ADOPT, YOU CAN HAVE MINE, OR I HAD A FRIEND WHO,,,,,, None of these comments help at all.
I am currently at stage 4, where I am of the age where if I am asked if I have children and I say NO, I stand there proud waiting for a wise reply, or I just say, yes one boy four legs and a tail is all I need. I now just get, OH RIGHT in a surprised tone. If they ask, I am open to telling them, if they don’t, I just leave them with their own thoughts. It has taken me nearly 15 years to get to this stage, I can’t help but wonder if people at all stages were more open, and everyone else was more aware of journey we go through, would my journey have caused me so much anxiety, depression, so little self-belief. Would it have allowed me think of myself as a real woman and not a disfunction woman, that I was not being punished, that I am good and in actual fact that I am aiming for something that is extremely difficult and the statistics are out their support that. Above all else, those of us that make it through this very difficult journey are more special that we ever give ourselves credit for. Stronger for having gone through that amazingly painful journey and come out the other side. With knowledge and sharing to everyone else, I hope the support will be found. I know I have found it NOW.
Karen MCClurkin
Photo by Michael Carruth on Unsplash