Is that really possible? If we ‘move on’ from our grief of childlessness, does that mean that we didn’t want children badly enough? Does it mean that we aren’t as good as those who pursued every option (even if those options weren’t appropriate or available to us)? Does it mean that in order to be genuine in our grief, we must grieve forever? Surely we need to stay sad permanently to validate our grief of childlessness. Don’t we?
There may come a time when you feel your natural instinct to leave behind that sadness starting to emerge. It may be completely unfamiliar. It may be hindsight rather than present awareness which reveals that moving away from grief has begun. You are allowed to heal. You are allowed to move forward* (or sideways, or any direction if the phrase “moving forward” creates any resistance in your body).
Sometimes the guilt of moving on prevents us from giving ourselves the opportunity to start healing from this incredibly painful and life-changing loss. It’s hard enough to do this on your own, so when you’ve found a group of other women who ‘get’ how you feel, it’s such a relief. The joy of knowing that you’re not alone is immense. It’s comforting and life-affirming. What if, though, over time, you’re less comfortable being drawn back into the depths of what you used to feel. Is it ok for you to even contemplate the thought that you don’t want to hear/feel the grief any longer? You need to do what’s right for you. And if stepping back from the group-think is what you need, you are allowed to do that. And you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission.
If you think of all the images of Covid19 patients being wheeled out of hospital, they were leaving fellow Covid patients behind. And that’s ok. The patients that were healing didn’t need to stay in the Intensive Care Unit any longer. So they moved on. If you have any feelings of disloyalty not being as involved in the group-think of great sadness anymore, that’s natural too. On one level, guilt affirms that we have values, and that we do think about others in a kind and meaningful way. But guilt doesn’t need to - and shouldn’t (oh, the “should” word!) - hold you back from going in the direction that you feel you’d like to move.
You’re an individual, and while finding your tribe is a great feeling at the time, it’s ok when you need to step back to find more of yourself. It doesn’t mean that you’re not able to support others if that’s what you wish. It just means that you are choosing what’s best for you at a point in time. And recognising that staying stuck doesn’t need to be your story.
You don’t need to let the guilt of moving forward hold you back from starting to move on. In whatever direction is right for you at the time. And you have the whole world and a whole lifetime to explore. You can safely change direction at any time – you don’t need to commit yourself to anything. You are allowed to be curious and gently explore how moving on could feel for you.
So yes, moving forward from childlessness really is possible. During the depths of utter grief that I experienced for so many years, I never thought that I could possibly move on. Now I’m living a full and contented life, where the baby-shaped hole in my heart that used to cause so much pain is filled with other colourful adventures. Moving forward from childlessness is a wonderful, liberating experience. And I don’t feel guilty. I only have one life, and I’d like to live it doing what brings me joy, rather than staying stuck where I was.