Meriel Whale
My long empty life stretches ahead of me. There will be no christenings, no birthdays, first days at school, exam results to celebrate, no landmarks of any kind. Nothing but emptiness. Nothing to look forward to.
Other people get landmarks, other people have things to measure their lives by, celebrations they know will happen, times they will be the centre of attention. I just want what other people have and knowing I can’t have it is breaking my heart. It’s a hard reality. Nothing can’t change the hand I’ve been dealt. The future ahead of me is a blank slate and I have no idea what I want to write on it.
Time passes slowly. Days seem empty and long. I can’t go on like this. Something has to change. I need a Plan B. Not something that can replace being a parent – it’s irreplaceable – but something to go alongside my longing, something meaningful for my life, something that will give me the landmarks, the waypoints I crave.
What can it be? What will it be? What’s worth celebrating?
This is the challenge I am going to set myself. I will get paper and different coloured pens, draw long lines that stretch into the future, mark them out at various intervals and write the things I want to achieve, the things I can do, celebrations I want to have, that other people who are childless like me will get. I can celebrate the steps I am taking to create a garden, the things I will create, make, write that others will want to see, the party I want to throw when I hit the menopause, that moment that divides my youth from my entry into the wisdom of my older years. For I do have wisdom and it is hard won. I have things – thoughts, ideas, knowledge gained from experiences - that are worth passing on to others.
I know and accept that I will have to look for these moments of celebration, of triumph. They are not automatic and they might not make sense to others. They don’t have to. They only need to make sense to me and the people I choose to celebrate them with.
I can download a five year planner to write them onto and I plan to open a bank account so I can pay for them. When new ideas come I will welcome them. I won’t forget the celebrations I hoped to have. I can mourn and celebrate at the same time. This is life. This is the life I am living now. And I am not alone, and I have worth and meaning. And I will have landmarks. I will have celebrations.
Photo by Ethan Hoover on Unsplash