Marie-Hélène Brody
Change is inevitable. It’s constant. We can’t escape it. It’s inside of us and outside of us. If we resist it, we suffer. If we accept it, we feel at peace. It’s just that some changes are more difficult to accept than others.
I was sitting in a doctor’s office one day, after trying for a baby for 10 years and after five years of fertility treatments. I asked my doctor if our situation was my fault, he answered “Yes”. He also told me that I could never be a biological mother.
There it was. My dream. My life’s dream, crushed. My identity, crushed. My marriage, crushed. I was like a pile of dust on the floor. You could have easily picked me up with a broom and put me in the garbage. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any part of it. This was not how things were supposed to be.
I didn’t know how to be. I didn’t know where to go from here. They call this “ego death”. A change so big it just breaks you. You have no choice but to rebuild yourself completely because the person that existed before is no longer there.
Grief is the first step, as we need to acknowledge what we have lost, honor the feelings we had for that dream and say goodbye to our dream.That took me a couple of years, with the help of a therapist and a support group. That was a big one. I could not have done it all by myself.
Then, we need to forgive. That is also a tough one, but it’s got to be done if we want to move forwards. We need to forgive ourselves and others, for EVERYTHING.
Then we need to rebuild ourselves. That was another big one. How do we do that? One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. We have to go back to the basics. We learn to live in the PRESENT and just BE.
Future plans? Future projects? I don’t have any. I’m not even interested. If I think about the future or the past, my mind goes into overdrive. I used to live there. I spent years there. It was so painful. I don’t want to do that anymore.
What do I want? PEACE. Peace is all I want. Doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. We can be peaceful without perfection. We can look inside of ourselves and listen to how we are feeling, staying in contact with our emotions. Sit calmly with our emotions. We can practice PRESENCE. Look around you, smell, touch, hear, what’s going on right now? Observe. I’m telling you, this is tough stuff…..My mind keeps wanting to wander to past and future like a wild animal who cannot sit still. It’s really tough to change our habits….When we are aware of our thoughts, we can catch ourselves and bring ourselves back to the present moment.
We can also practice GRATITUDE. There is always something to be grateful for. The warm sun on our face, a warm hug from a loved one, chocolate. Mmmmm chocolate…..yummy…..sorry my mind is wandering here….Just got to catch myself, no judgement and come back to presence.
So no, I did not get to have my dream. I am childless. This was not my choice. But after a long and bumpy road, I am now able to accept my childless situation. It’s not fair? No, it doesn’t feel fair. But then again life is not fair. Life just IS. Life doesn’t owe us anything. It just IS. There was a time when hearing this would have sent me spinning into a tantrum of anger and pain. That’s because at the time I had not grieved, I had not forgiven myself and others, I hadn’t accepted my PRESENT situation. Oh, there it is again, this PRESENCE. We can’t escape it. Just like change. They are always there.
So I stopped fighting it. I surrendered. I accepted. I enjoyed.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Through this, I learned that I am worthy. Simply because I AM.
