Laura W
“I am worthy” - just for being me means that I am allowed to feel good about myself when I am walking down the halls of someone else’s house whilst seeing photos occupying every bit of wall space showing children, grandchildren and newborn babies and not feeling a wave of shame.
It means claiming my own ground on the good earth when I am surrounded by other teachers on recess duty talking about the ups and downs in their kids’ lives and having nothing to add to the conversation. It means sinking my heels into the love and protection of Mother Earth when one or more of those teachers turns and asks, “and what about you? Do you have kids” and, at the same time, NOT feeling the urge to lie in order to escape undue scrutiny.
“I am Worthy - just for being me” means that I give myself permission to get angry at a guest in my home who says, “I don’t understand women like you who don’t have children” and to be able to tell them to take their assumptions and themselves and go somewhere else.
“I am worthy - just for being me” means that I can let go of thinking myself into feeling, or feeling myself into thinking, that I am a freak in a town full of single, married and divorced parents and women who are not childless by choice.
It means - yes, it means - not feeling as though I have to justify my right to take up space on this planet but, rather, learning to fully realize that my place and space on this planet is my right!
I am allowed to grieve deeply for the losses I feel, both experientially and on a deep cellular level and end up basking in a healthy light anyway. It means that I do not project my grief onto others who do love and support me, and who do have children. Saying “I AM WORTHY” means I can actually hold in my heart a vision that one day I might cradle a newborn in my arms for the first time or change a nappy.
And I remember all the things I never have to do again such as hate myself, feel the need to lie in order to belong, explain myself to strangers so that they are less likely to judge me, compare myself to women who do have children and come out feeling inadequate. The fact is: I never have to feel inadequate because I am childless not by choice.
And I remember all the things that would have made me a good mother: my sensitivity to vulnerability, a curiosity to watch humans unfold and develop whatever their age, my patience and appreciation for delicacy and a desire to give what is needed whilst thinking about long term impacts, a deep sense of responsibility and dedication to others…. and my heart full of love.
For many, many years I felt like I had “blown it.” I had really screwed up. The one thing that would have given me the unconditional love I had never received from my own parents would have been to raise children of my own. I thought I had to live with that scenario forever but - lo and behold! it is changing. Could it be that there are actually other women and men in the world who are also childless not by choice and who have stories that are equally sorrowful, profound and important to hear? Could we not get together and form our own tribe - a trailblazing tribe that exists across latitudes and longitudes; a tribe of refuge. A tribe that will make us better people, able to be better partners as we feel safe to express the sincere life-affirming people that we are.
The poet, Maya Angelou, wrote:
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
This is a snippet of my story. I am a woman who is childless not by choice. And I am a woman who is choosing worthiness over shame. My empowered voice - our empowered voices - are needed in this world. We come from many backgrounds. We all bring insight to the well; we are all sages.
