Catherine O'Reilly, London, UK
It can seem like a lifelong journey to feel worthy if you don’t fit neatly into the roles our patriarchal society sets out for women…that of mother and, in my case, wife.
What is the point of you? What do you contribute? My childlessness is my punishment for not being “chosen” by a man. A double punishment. A feeling that you’re on the extreme edge of society, to be pitied and shamed and laughed at. It doesn’t matter how bad your life is, you can be relieved that at least you’re not me.
Someone I met last year when discovering I had no kids, husband or even a pet, exclaimed incredulously “but you don’t have anyone to look after”. Well, I have me and let me tell you, most of the time that’s more than enough of a challenge. In the 2020s how can it possibly be that a woman’s worth is still defined by how many people/pets she looks after. Even after women have become prime ministers and presidents, CEOs and entrepreneurs, what still matters is that a woman exists to look after people.
So how can I make up this deficit to society for not fulfilling my part of the bargain. Do I have to find a cure for cancer or tend to the sick? Shouldn't I be doing something worthwhile? Do I have to live an incredibly exciting life to fill in all those childfree gaps?
Faced with that expectation no wonder childless women keep a low profile. A quick glance on Instagram reveals how popular parenting accounts are and how mothers in particular never stop going on about their children. But it’s harder to find childless or childfree accounts although I think this is now changing. Why are we not shouting about our lives? Do we feel ashamed and that how we live isn’t ‘worthy’? It’s overwhelming to share and be judged to that standard.
Childless women are allowed to take up space in this world and have their lives celebrated. We can show the world that women are running around and thriving in their lives without children. With no pressure to have achieved something ‘bigger’ than those with children have.
I’m at a point in my life where I only want to go forward. I can’t change the past. I don’t want to miss out on the joy and adventure that’s ahead and I want that for you too so I thought I’d share some things that have helped me:
1, Live your own life. Sounds obvious but this is something I find much easier to do at 50 than I did at 40. For years I tried to mould myself into and around other people's lives. Spoiler alert, it doesn't work. Put yourself first and live how you want to. You owe it to yourself. If situations or people trigger you then it's ok to miss that event or unfollow that social media account. You don't have to put yourself through it. Focus on what you want from life.
2, Block out the chatter. This relates to the first point because when you live your own life, you’ll make decisions that other people (especially those who are parents) just won’t understand. Let them. It’s not your job to explain. You’re on a different path now even if it’s not the path you envisioned.
3, Seek out childless role models. For me there’s an incredible comfort in reminding myself of all the amazing women – either alive or dead – who are childless. Some of my favourites include Helen Mirren, Delia Smith, Theresa May, Jennie Lee (this is UK-focussed list if some of these names are unfamiliar!) but internationally I love Katherine Hepburn, Dolly Parton and Oprah as well. And they don’t have to be famous either. Look closer to home for childless inspirations as well. One of my friends runs an incredible community group for her town, while another fulfilled her dream of moving to the country and another runs her business at the same time as managing a difficult health condition. These astonishing women are everywhere.
4, Build your childless community. And if you don’t know any role models then this is what you need to do. There’s never been a better time to connect online or in person with a range of different childless organisations and meet new people with whom you have a lot in common. For me it was Jody Day and Gateway Women that has been truly life changing but throughout this week you’ll have seen or heard from so many champions and ambassadors. I’m so grateful to be childless at this time and hopefully it will only get better.
There are still bad days of course, but whatever I do – or don’t do – I am worthy. And you are too.
