Sandy Sjollema
It started with a childhood where my mother was regarded as housekeeper, cook, nanny and maid. Not as a person. Not as a woman. I knew she was unhappy most of the time.
I am not going to be like her.
At ten years old, I swore I’d never get married:
I am going to live with a woman; we are going to raise a child. I am never going to change my name.
Everyone smiled and laughed at my words.
As a child, I was a tomboy: I never wanted to be a girl. I thought my brother had it better than me. I wanted to wear his t-shirts and jeans, to run on the beach and swing in the trees. Everyday, my mother and I fought over clothes. She disapproved of my choices:
I feel so embarrassed by you.
I started to feel attracted to women. I was also attracted to men. Many years later, I came to understand issues of gender. Sexual orientation. But at that time, I was left feeling confounded and confused.
I shoved it all down in the cracks of my bones.
Coming to adulthood, men began to show interest. I came to seek their attention and need their approval. I began to wear my hair long and wear my skirts short. I lost some weight and put on some make-up.
I understood that I should marry a man. I should want to bear his children.
As a friend at the time advised me:
You must make a mature decision and chose a man over a woman.
I wasn’t sure I wanted any of that.
I began to drink excessively to escape bewilderment, feeling different, constantly feeling out of sorts. I got pregnant and had an abortion.
I am not fit to be a mother, I thought. I am not a normal woman.
I got sober and I got married. Having a child was in the cards. By this time, I was older. It didn’t work after a lot of trying. We went on our separate ways.
I tried to get pregnant with a man I didn’t love. I just wanted a child. At the time, I was in love with a woman with wild blond hair. I fantasized about her while he was inside me.
After many treatments and an operation, the final verdict was declared:
It’s too late, nothing is going to grow in there.
Today, I see same sex couples having children. Or all kinds of people making arrangements. Growing up. I thought I had to do it the traditional way. I tried to do it the traditional way.
I could never tell my parents that I was queer.
I feared my mother’s condemnation like a tornado’s gale.
Now I am old, and I still like men and women. And that’s just fine with me.
Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash