My Living Loneliness

I am childless not by choice. There I said it!

I’ve never been pregnant. Wow I even said that!

It’s a horrible place to be and I’m sorry to bring you in here with me

but thank you for being here.

I'm made to feel not normal because, in our western society, motherhood in particular - but fatherhood too - is put on a pedestal, and is ‘normal’,so being outside that is not normal. And I feel that, from other women in particular; that they don’t trust or understand me because I’m outside, different, odd! It manifests in all sorts of ways, most notably in my loss of my female friends as they become mothers, because I don’t fit anymore into their life, I won’t know anything of importance to them. They can’t includeme in their mum-activities because I’d be the weird outsider, like ‘what’s wrong her?’ that I haven’t done what’s normal and totally expected? They join mainstream and I’m excluded. I’m toxic.

It bothers me a lot not having my old friends anymore,and not making new friends because most women have children, so I’m automatically rejected. Being CNBC is a barrier to connecting with women my own age. My sister makes me feel unnatural. Because of course having a child, for any animal, is the most natural thing. So to be outside that, to never even have been pregnant is not natural. Pro-natalism makes out that it’s your purpose as humans to reproduce so that inability to fulfil my purpose makes me feel useless and pointless. And because being a family is the main deal, not having that with my husband means we’re missing the thing that makes us a real family. We're not doing it right, we're not relevant, we’re wrong.

So often, things start with ‘as a mother’ or ‘when I became a mother’ as though there’s not real life outside of that experience. And that their experience puts ‘mothers’ on a higher level, for love, empathy, understanding, knowledge. Connected to the earth & through time.

There’s the sense that I’m missing out on creating an amazing life for someone. Giving them the care, love, support that would enable our child to succeed and feel proud of. And all the activities, adventures - and struggles - we’d go through as a family. Imagining what our child would look like, enjoy, where they would end up! That sadness is compounded by not meeting new friends through those activities/school etc. that we could share in all that. We can’t join the mainstream!

I worry a bit about being old and alone, because I’ve supported my parents so much, and I feel bitter that I won’t have that. But I think more than this (because this is not something to plan for/expect) it’s not having the opportunity of grandchildren because I’ve seen how much my parents have benefited from and loved my sister's kids so much.So I miss that future for me, and it’s painful how my not having children to give my parents as grandchildren has excluded me from their love too. My sister has won their heart (especially my dad) in a way I haven’t/can’t. It's so painful to fail in this way. And have that love shut off from my grasp.

And I can’t forget it or let it go. It’s in my face all the time. With the things people talk about, on TV, people in the streets, colleagues on maternity/returning from maternity - it’s in my face - what I’m missing & excluded from. It’s constant.

And throughout my life it won’t go away, because I’ve grown up with my nieces arriving, friends having children, then any friends left will also havegrandchildren, and I’ll be excluded all over again.Then there is the menopause on the way which is another huge trigger because it will be the final nail in the coffin of my ability to even comprehend motherhood.

My unused body can officially go on the trash-heap.

I haven’t actually lost anyone in this, but I have lost so much... I’ve lost a life - the child that I have (of course) visualised since being young ... and I’ve lost the life I would have had around my child.

It’s a daily struggle to live what’s left of me.

Anonymous

Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash