The world suddenly became a very scary place.
The events playing out seemed unreal, but it was real.
Going shopping and nothing on the shelves, I felt stressed and frightened, trying to keep away from someone coughing. A dad telling a shop assistant he had five children to feed…what about our cats? I hoped we could get their food.
Being at school when it felt like everywhere else was shutting down, my chest felt so tight, had I got the virus? The tears of relief, but also sadness, when they announced schools would shut.
It felt like a novelty being at home, getting up and doing some work. Let’s start yoga we said. How lucky we felt to be able to work from home, but I felt guilty too, when thousands of people were risking their lives going out to work.
I loved the peace of lockdown, watching spring unfold, seeing the detail like never before. The daily walks felt wonderful, being in nature, which was thriving, was amazing to see.
But lockdown also brought up the childless grief, the isolation, the memories of staying inside because it was too painful to go out, in case we saw children and families. We had been here before but that was a grief lockdown.
I felt vulnerable and fragile, I had to disconnect with the news, the disbelief at the daily death total, the tears that came when clapping for the NHS and keyworkers. But did I have any right to feel like this? I could stay safe and curl up with the cats. The conflicting feelings.
Having asthma meant I felt even more vulnerable and when lockdown started to ease, my anxiety rocketed. I wanted to stay in lockdown longer, it felt too soon. The feelings of being ‘less than’ came back, another part of the childless grief, so many similarities.
When everyone was locked down, it felt like we were all in the same boat, but suddenly the inequality became apparent again, I was still scared to go to the shops, but some people seemed to be getting back to ‘normal’ life. Families were being reunited. The triggers started coming thick and fast.
Lockdown has given me time to revaluate though, I didn’t miss school and the children as much as I thought I would, the daily triggers of school life. I loved being at home with my husband and the cats. Could I do something else? Lockdown gave me chance to think of new possibilities and I am very, very grateful for that.
We are still in this pandemic, so I don’t feel able to reflect completely. I am not as anxious as I was, I am able to do some of things I used to enjoy, see people again. I have a new focus which is good.
It still all feels unreal.
Anon.