I was never the little girl who played Mommy with dolls and baked cookies in make-believe kitchens. There are photos galore in the family albums of cute little me pushing a pram and I vaguely remember having a collection of beautiful dolls. I do remember Nancy was my favourite. People would ask “are you going to name your daughter Nancy one day ?” I would just smile because you know, one can’t be rude to your elders. Deep down I was thinking “how could I possibly have a daughter when I am going to be busy on the Starship Enterprise”. When I wasn’t planning how to get a job on the Enterprise, I was wondering how to get to England to become a knight. So yes, at the tender age of five, not only was I not a traditional girl, I was also a trekkie and an adventurer at heart. Nancy was my favourite because she sat well on my (toy) horse and being made of cloth, if I forgot to bring her in at night, she wouldn’t get ruined.

Fast forward 3 decades, and I found out not only could I not conceive without medical intervention, I was also not able to carry a baby full term. When my friends and relatives found out that we were on the IVF roller coaster, the inevitable question “have you considered adopting” started. Alongside this was the I guess well intentioned “Mrs X’s daughter’s friend’s cousin’s brother in law’s…. adopted and 3 months later found themselves pregnant”. I was always amused that the person who “found themselves pregnant” was so far removed from the person telling the story.

Adoption seemed to be the magical cure to infertility. When I appeared reluctant, people would look at each other and mutter under their breath “she was never really very maternal anyway”, or the more direct ones would say out loud “well you must not want children bad enough if you aren’t willing to consider adoption”. I would just roll my eyes and either walk away or make some sarcastic remark because by the age of 38, I wasn’t quite so careful about not being rude to my elders or peers anymore.

But just like an onion, there are many layers to Anne. Yes I am an adventurer and yes I never really held motherhood to be the holy grail of my existence, but the truth is I desperately wanted to be a Mom because quite simply I enjoy the caring, fun, laughter, and joy that comes with being in the company of children. I love looking at the world through the eyes of a child filled with wonder and simplicity. There was a time I dreamt of days filled with chubby fingers and grimy faces, bedtime tales, goodnight cuddles and lots of kisses. A noisy home, a warm kitchen, games and tales of times gone by. So the question why don’t you adopt or the insinuation that I wasn’t willing to consider adoption because I didn’t want a child badly enough was one that tore me to pieces. It still does. And I still can’t answer this question without either wanting to scream, or cry, or both.

Apart from the practicalities that adoption was expensive, there weren’t many children available in my home state, the wait times were horrendous, and the birth mother had the right to change her mind and want to be involved in the child’s life (and rightly so), the simple honest truth is I never considered adoption because I was afraid.

Terrified actually that I would not be able to love a child that was not biologically mine. I felt I could not take the risk of bringing an innocent life into mine without being fully sure that I would love this child unconditionally and give it everything I possibly could to ensure its physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. I never had a good relationship with my mother, and I was afraid that I would role model her. I simply could not do that to a child. Even then, I did have endless debates with myself about adoption. I considered the emotional side of giving a disadvantaged child a chance at a better life, the joy of nurturing a child, to leave a legacy, to have someone to love… and that is where I got stumped again and again. I simply could not be certain beyond all doubt that I would love an adopted child completely and unconditionally.

So, to the many who said I was not maternal, to those who said I did not want to be a mother badly enough, you could not be more wrong. I wanted to be a mother so much. I wanted to be the mother that when I was gone, my child would say “Mom was the person who loved me the most always and no matter what”. And yes, I could not convince myself that I would be this Mom to a child that was not biologically mine. So I did consider adoption and I also carefully weighed out what would be my path of least regret – not having a child or having one I may not have loved as unconditionally as I wanted to. For me, it was the former. A quarter of a century later, I know I made the right decision for me and I am at peace with my choices.

PS – I never did get that job as a Knight or on a Starship

Anne Altamore