Childfree: Because Motherhood Completely Ruined Me

I was a mom, a damn good mom, but I can never go back to that life. It’s a distant memory now. Motherhood was full of heartache, loss and trauma; a life I can never go back to.

We faced 5 years of infertility (2014-2019): with low on options and no success we walked away from any treatment options and decided to become foster and/or adoptive parents through our state.

I use to think infertility was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through, little did I know I had just buckled my seatbelt on the world’s worst rollercoaster and I didn’t even know it.

In Jan 2019 we took our first foster placement. Our first placement was great, so we decided to take another. Within a month we had taken our second placement. That second placement was different, from the moment that child and I locked eyes I knew he was what my heart and soul had searched so many years for.

Licensed for two children we were full, our hearts were full and life made sense for a little while. Then it all crashed, placement one’s parent threatened to burn our house down twice through the child. I was lost, no help from the state, nothing our foster support worker could do, so we went to the local sheriff’s office to file a report.

We prepared these child to return home that summer. I knew the day would be hard, but it felt as if my heart was ripped out when I told that child I loved him for the last time as he asked “Can I call you every night before bed?” I said, “You can always call us, we will always be here for you buddy”. One last hug goodbye and off he went. Never to hear or see that child again.

I clung to our second placement during the grief of losing our first. Like I said the second placement was different. The moment I saw him I knew he was mine and God had brought him home. Summer came and went, then fall. Fall brought home his sister to us. A little pre-Thanksgiving gratitude.

Things made clear and perfect sense. Lawyers, the state and workers were all telling us the termination of rights is coming up, be prepared to adopt, they will never be returned. But all good things come to an end I’ve found. Fall turned to winter, winter to spring. With March 2020 brought Covid.

And then the end began on April 7, 2020. A phone call at 3:42pm from the state. The worker cried, I cried, she said, “This is out of my control, I fought against it, but there was nothing I could do. The kids will be going home 9am tomorrow for good.” That moment the world stopped, my heart exploded and I knew motherhood was over for me.

That night my husband and I packed our children’s items knowing it was the last night, the last I love you mom and dad, the last hugs and kisses, the last moments we’d ever see our children again.

The next morning, the bio parents arrived to pick the children up. As we handed the children over the mother said, “I know how hard it is to hand them over and let them go.” My husband shut the door in her face, I walked away into his bedroom, hit my knees and sobbed for hours as I knew I’d never see my children ever again.

We tried to move on, we took in two more placements only to say goodbye again. April 8, 2021, a year came and went with saying goodbye to our babies. I had been going to grief therapy for 8 months only to feel more stuck and emptier than I had ever felt.

Late April 2021, we officially handed our foster and adoption licenses back to the state, in a lengthy letter I explained why, with the support of our foster support worker we ended our licenses.

It’s now August of 2021, I still attend grief therapy bi-weekly. I know motherhood is not for me. I was a damn good mom, but motherhood completely wrecked me; mind, body and soul.

I’m on a path to self-discovery, rebuilding and finding me again. Childfree isn’t easy either, but I’ve found joy in moments again, I laugh again, but most importantly I find myself returning again. This new me is different, I will never be the old me again, but this new me is someone I’m learning to love and I find myself striving to find more of her.

 

What I know About Motherhood:

1-      It completely destroyed me. There is the person I was and the person I am becoming; I will never be the same me again.

2-      We almost got a divorce; motherhood almost ruined my marriage. The loss was completely unbearable. We became people we hated and in fact we hated each other for the most part.

3-      Sometimes being a good mother means walking away and knowing that you can never actively be a physical mother again to your children or any other child.

4-      Motherhood isn’t the same experience for everyone; for me it was mostly awful and hurtful. It is something I can never go back to. Just know you may not have a good motherhood experience and you may have to be ok with that.

5-      Coming to the realization of reality that motherhood was over for me was soul crushing, but also the most freeing experience I had ever felt all at the same moment. So much pressure was lifted off me and so much joy was brought into me all at once.

 

What I Know About Childfree:

1-      I’ve never been more me in my life. I am trying new things, doing things I never dreamed of and finding myself in the happiest moments of my life.

2-      Marriage: my marriage is repairing slowly, but we are getting there. He is learning to live again and so I am. It is a completely different life we never seen for ourselves, but we sure are enjoying childfree and each other.

3-      I can be selfish: if I want to do something, I do it when I want because I have the freedom to do so. I can take the nap, take the vacation, go and do things without having to find a sitter.

4-      I am happy. Childfree doesn’t mean I am sad, lonely and hurting for motherhood. In fact, I am happy, felt more freedom than ever, and finding joy in every single day.

5-      Therapy is still important. Therapy has helped me find myself again and determine where I want to go in life. Therapy has helped me say no to social norms and say to myself and others, “I’m childfree, I’m happy and this is my life now.”

 

If I had to do my journey all over again I would, in a heartbeat I would, because it brought me to my lowest points in life which then brought me to my highest points in life. I am the strongest I have ever been because of my journey. I wouldn’t trade any of the journey for the world. Motherhood completely destroyed me, but the comeback has been damn amazing. I am resilient, strong and brave. This is me, this is my story and I am proudly childfree.

 

Manny Smith