I’ve been asked this question by hairdressers, my boss, my sister, people I’ve encountered at a party – is it a simple “how are you?” or “how’s work”? Not exactly. The question is the very personal and loaded “why didn’t you adopt?”.
When I saw this topic come up for WCW I was immediately drawn to it – and thankful it was being raised. But why does this question - that is so banded about quite flippantly, often by someone you barely know on first name terms – have such an impact? I wanted to get to the core of why it affects me.
Firstly, it feels like your very personal experiences and life choices are exposed for everyone to comment on in a socially acceptable way. Can you imagine if we went around asking people “why didn’t you have a vasectomy”?
The fact that society sees it as an acceptable question to ask in a light-hearted social situation – along with the ubiquitous and irritating “do you have kids” – is a sign that society doesn’t recognise or empathise with the childless not by choice. Our culture can’t deal with seemingly ‘unhappy’ endings if your last sentence was “I couldn’t have kids”. I don’t blame society for this. How many movies have we seen where through the most desperate and unlikely situations, at the end the childless actor is given the miracle birth? Whilst I accept that there is unrealism and escapism in films, you never see a childless person go off into the sunset saying, “I’ve come to terms with it and I’m making my plan B, booking holidays and learning a language!”
When people ask me the adoption question, it feels like it’s another stick to blame myself or feel guilty about. Clearly, I didn’t do everything possible to have a child, therefore I can’t be expected to receive sympathy or understanding that my childlessness has been a sad and difficult experience.
It feels like such a flippant remark, like adoption is a simple solution to an uncomplex issue. “You don’t have a dress for the party? Why not just go out and buy a dress!”
It shows how uninformed people are about the challenges and difficulties of adoption –it’s unconsciously presented as “you couldn’t have kids – it’s therefore your responsibility to adopt all these unwanted children and stop moaning”.
Personally, when someone asks me about adoption, I feel hurt that they don’t understand my experience. It feels that I can’t own or accept my story, I need to feel more guilt, shame or suppress my feelings. As you look into their eyes you see that they feel they have offered you the solution, they can’t possibly recognise that you had a painful and ongoing situation that is actually made worse by this new comment. And of course you could respond “Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t think of adoption! Thanks so much for that suggestion, I’m going to contact the council now and see what they have available!”
I’d love to hear your tips on how to deal with ‘the question’ – but I’ve come to the conclusion that only those who have the ability to understand should have the privilege of knowing the authentic me, and it’s really best to cut the conversation before it gets to the ‘adoption’ stage – which typically is when you’re asked “do you have kids”. My response now? “No, I don’t have kids – wow did you see that great film/TV series/sporting event last night – it was so good it’s encouraged me to book a holiday/join a club/learn a language/get a pet/ride off into the sunset”!
