My lifelong dream of becoming a mother turned into a nightmare when I reluctantly accepted that I would lose my uterus to a hysterectomy, which I saw as my only way to be free of enormous fibroids that had taken over my reproductive space. At age 43, I had a miscarriage; it was at this time that I found out I had fibroids. I considered doing a myomectomy but wondered if scarring from surgery would have decreased my chances of getting pregnant. For several years after that, I spent thousands of dollars trying to eliminate these fibroids with natural treatments which promised much but delivered very little.
At age 50, I was so worn out with the heavy bleeding caused by the fibroids that I decided to do a hysterectomy. I figured, after all, I was now past childbearing age, so if this surgery would bring some relief, why not? I now had to learn to embrace the reality that my dream of becoming a mother would never be realized. Before the hysterectomy, I kept hope alive, despite my age and the odds being against me, but after the hysterectomy, there was no denying that children would not be a part of my life. I have often heard the saying “kids say the darndest things,” but I would like to coin a similar phrase, “church folk say the most insensitive things,” especially about involuntary childlessness.
Since the church is often presented as a place of love, kindness and compassion it stands to reason that I would seek to find solace, comfort, and understanding among the people with whom I met and worshipped regularly. Unfortunately, this belief, when tested, revealed a completely different reality. I recall being in church one day when a baby dedication was being held. I began feeling emotionally overwhelmed, so I stepped out of the main sanctuary and into the foyer. I began to share with a church sister, whom I considered a friend, how difficult it was for me to get through these baby dedications. She responded by saying that I should not look at things that way because God knows why I did not have children, and who knows, maybe my children would not have turned out well, so maybe my involuntary childlessness happened for a good reason. Her answer floored me. Here is a woman with two children who could not understand my loss and grief about not having children. I thought about asking her if her children had turned out well and why she thought my children would have become delinquents of society.
I failed to understand the logic of her answer and how she could believe that she was being helpful to me at that moment. Although I wanted to respond to her and ask some questions about her response, I recognized that it would have been pointless to try to show her why her answer was inappropriate. Oftentimes, church folks reduce everything in their lives and the lives of others to a spiritual matter. The fact that God has made us multi-faceted beings with emotional, intellectual, and relational sides gets completely ignored. Their Christianity completely obscures all other areas of life, causing them to respond to every issue in life with a spiritual answer. As finite beings, we do not always have the answers to life’s difficult questions. It is, therefore, okay to let someone know that we do not know what to say about their situation, but we are here for them. That is an honest answer that most people will accept than be given some biblical explanation that makes them feel worse than they are currently feeling.
Apart from my experience, I have spoken to several involuntary childless women who have endured insensitive comments from church folk. Some of the comments that have been shared with we were “God is testing your faith,” “it’s not your calling to be a mother,”“pray without ceasing,”“well if does not happen naturally you can always adopt or foster.”The difficulty with such comments is that people do not believe they are coming across as hurtful and uncaring; they think they are being spiritual when they are quoting scripture and giving you their biblical answers and “encouragement” for your situation. This is the reason that I did not even engage with this woman who told me that there was a good reason why God did not allow me to have kids. I realized that trying to show her that she was being insensitive would be futile. Many church people are so steeped in their beliefs about all things in a person’s life working together for their good that they are not open to hearing how damaging their responses are. In trying to help them to look at things from a different perspective, they view you as being faithless and unspiritual, and your belief in God now comes into question. In this situation, I came to value the saying “choose your battles.”
It is important for church leaders and members to understand that not everything in life can be approached from a spiritual perspective. We are multi-faceted beings with several sides to us, including the emotions that need to be taken care of. The Bible states that when the heart is glad, it can act like medicine; however, when the spirit is broken, there are adverse outcomes for the individual concerned. I fail to understand how there can be such a disconnect within the church community as it pertains to a person’s emotional side. The church seems to be so focused on ensuring that everyone is following a spiritual path that they completely ignore its congregants’ emotional and mental well-being.
Since becoming an involuntary childless woman, I have learned to draw boundaries around my heart. This means that I choose carefully what I will subject myself to. I realize that I cannot change church folk’s way of thinking and their belief that my involuntary childlessness is all a part of God’s plan, as such, I have changed the way I approach certain situations. For instance, I do not go to church on Mother’s Day since I know it will be a very triggering experience that will cause me great pain and sadness. I often tell myself that practicing self-care is not being selfish. I am also very deliberate in the types of church programs and social activities I engage in. Removing myself from church situations has become even easier since the pandemic as I have not gone to church in the last two years; occasionally, I will join an online service. I do not have a feeling of obligation that propels me to participate in programs that I know will have a negative emotional effect. I have no problem using “No” if the situation warrants such a response. Since taking these steps and creating my boundaries, I have felt more at peace about who I am. I may not have had as much choice as I would have liked about becoming involuntarily childless, but I can choose how to live my life going forward.
Nisa Darroux
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash