I was a bit surprised at the inclusion of this title section and it made me stop and think….
The short answer. Recollection? -my life had just been totally upended and people were going to make thoughtless and cruel comments which hurt like hell.
With that great friend “hindsight” I wish I could have asked myself “has that comment come from a good place or not? “
I am guessing that someone mentioning God in the context of observing somebody’s pain is at least an effort to offer comfort or perhaps help make sense /encourage acceptance of a devastating situation.
Bottom line: Would I rather hear
“It must be God’s plan for you” or “Shit happens get over it”?
Now in my sixties,I look back at what started in my twenties.
I /we endured many years of fertility investigations, several miscarriages, various treatments and surgery.
At that time if I’m honest, I would not have said ‘we’ as I think I had taken ownership of what really was ‘our’ not ‘my’ situation
but that’s probably a whole other topic for discussion
Decades on now I realise how much I was affected physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
At age 30 I was a wreck.
Tortured by guilt and ready to sacrifice my marriage in the firm belief that my husband would in time find someone else who could ‘give him children’ and he’d become the wonderful father I knew he could be…..
I am happy to say he did not buy the idea
but that’s probably a whole other topic for discussion
I was successful in business had more ‘stuff’ than many friends with kids who frequently commented how lucky I was that I could go on great holidays etc.
Was that kindness? Of course not! That was more a lamenting the down-sides of parenthood and borne out of their selfishness.
I should’ve, could’ve said “You had a choice!” but it would’ve come out as a manic scream!
Yes, people said some incredibly stupid things back in the day and they still do.
What lifted me out of my abject misery right then?
In the early 1980’s the National Association of the childless was formed, as a project of Birmingham University Settlement .I don’t remember how I even heard about it but I do recall making that initial telephone call to a local contact
(took me a week though)
but I will never forget the first meeting (of what would become many) with people like me !
The sheer relief that day .The realisation that my pain was immediately understood and shared by others was such an instant source of consolation.
I hadn’t noticed how very isolated I’d become.
Effortless empathy is what I could offer and so gratefully received back then- and it occurs to me that this is what we’re doing here today-isn’t our being in the same boat what we are all enjoying, or at least finding solace in right now?
‘Togetherness’ found through our ‘Otherness’.
The ability to empathise is certainly a rare gift and or skill that is difficult to develop and the lack of which lies at the heart of many societal divisions and general air of mean-spiritedness today….
but that’s probably a whole other topic for discussion.
So back to the subject question.
Well, I never actually had anybody tell me that what I went through, in enduring infertility, was perhaps God’s Plan. As a practicing Christian maybe family and friends just assumed I would think it anyway?
I believe the reality for anyone confronted with Childlessness is that life is shockingly upended and will never be the same again regardless of outcomes.
We are confronted with the big questions of what life is about and examining its meaning in a way I certainly had never done before. I never met anyone who was prepared for that sudden and often dark journey.
Personally speaking I was very angry and upset with God and had a spell of terrible rows.
Alternately praying for my miracle and raging against the injustice of why I was being punished.
Dialogue that would never be suitable for print in any prayer books.
If ‘God only knows’ then when is he going tell me?
Why me? I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Then one day I simply found myself saying - if I believed that then “Why not me?”
A eureka moment?-no way!
An excruciatingly slow dawning that I would have to learn some kind of acceptance if I was to try to live life well.
NB I‘m still a work in progress and my daily prayer remains that used by millions:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference
Gudrun
Photo by Mark Foster on Unsplash