Jessica Hepburn
“We’ve always been a feline family. My dad loved cats and they loved him in a way that made me envious. Cats have avoid-antennae for rambunctious children – like I was. But they were drawn to the gentle vulnerability of my dad. After I moved back to our house in Hampstead I got two kittens – you could call them fur babies. But as my life became increasingly nomadic, I relied on my mum to look after them. Really, they’re hers now but they’ve become a bit like our children and us the odd couple. We argue about how much they should be fed – I’m more generous where food is concerned than she is. And if I get a bit too forceful – which a grown-up rambunctious child can be – my mum implies that I don’t have a right to an opinion because she’s the one who looks after them most of the time. The cats look at us intently and wonder if there’s going to be a divorce.” - Excerpt from Save Me From The Waves (see below)
I am proud to be an Ambassador of World Childless Week, and this is my first formal submission to the daily topics. I chose ‘The Importance of Pets’ partly because I love the image Stephanie Phillips (the Founder of WCW) has chosen for it – that red, yellow and green chameleon (I can’t wait to put it on my insta grid). And partly because I’ve long- believed in the therapeutic power of pets – whether or not you want to call them ‘fur babies’. In fact, for a quite a while I used to say in talks I give for people ‘Trying To Conceive’ that I highly recommend getting one as part of your path to parenthood - for practice as much as for pain-relief. And then I would say I wish I had heeded my own advice when I was on my journey through 11 rounds of IVF – which didn’t result in a child although it did spawn three book-babies.
At the end of my unsuccessful IVF treatment (what I call my ‘pursuit of motherhood’ – the title of my first book) my relationship with my partner of 16 years broke down (heaping loss upon loss). I gave up my job (running a big theatre in London) and returned to my childhood home to live with, and latterly care for, my elderly mum. And it was then that I got my first fur babies - two sister kittens called Dotty and Flo from the litter of a cat-owning-and-loving friend who felt, at the time, I needed the healing power of purring.
I adore both of them. Dotty is particularly pretty (she’s the one on the right in the photo). She tolerates me but really only loves my mum. Flo is of cool catish character. She likes me a lot but only on her terms. And one of the joys on the long list of joys I’ve now found in my childless life is when I’m sitting on my bed at home working on my laptop and Flo settles down and snuggles next to my leg.
A few years ago one of my best childless friends Tara got her own fur baby (fyi she’s one of my oldest and dearest school friends and appeared with me on last year’s WCW webinar – A Letter To The Person Who Hurt Me The Most - check it out for a rare moment in which I break down and cry in public – yikes!). Tara’s fur baby is a black lab called Nelson (they’re pictured together in the photo). I think she’d say he has changed her life for the better infinitely. In fact, I’ll never forget an hilarious interchange among a group of school friends when Tara confessed to us that she had been asked to write a bio for a high profile academic institution and in it, alongside all her other professional credentials, she had described herself as ‘Nelson’s Mother’.
I originally embedded the clip for you to watch but I have just seen that I’m not allowed to include links in the daily topic submissions (Note to self Jessica – read the guidelines before you write!). But it’s a scene of infectious laughter. And I love it because we’re a group of middle-age women who have known each other for years - some of us mothers some of us not - who have remained bonded regardless of the status of our wombs. But also because it demonstrates everything I love about Tara – who is one of the wisest people I know and has just won the Chancellor’s Medal for her PhD research into trauma – but is not afraid to be soppy about how much she loves her dog and to call herself his mother!
But it also makes me think of Dotty and Flo who I adore too but who I’ve realised are definitely NOT my children. As you’ll have read in the excerpt above, I’ve been a terrible mother since we got them, leaving my mum whenever I can to look after them whilst I’ve gone off gallivanting (swimming the English Channel, running the London Marathon, climbing Mount Everest et al). And I’m now writing this on the terrace of a very nice hotel in Turkey. I have to confess it does sometimes make me think that maybe it’s a good job I never became a mother after all…and that maybe I have another job to do in the world.
Nevertheless, I do profoundly believe that if you don’t didn’t get the children you dreamed of and long for then creating other loving connections is vital to your happiness – whether that’s through pets or friends. The therapeutic power of purring is real.
Save Me from the Waves - Jessica Hepburn
Save me from the Waves is an inspirational story of physical and mental endurance which starts on the streets of London and culminates in a life-threatening event on top of the world. It explores the redemptive power of music and mountains. And encourages evervone to live big and bravely when life doesn’t go to plan. Moving, funny and unique this book will inspire every reader to believe an adventure will always change your life for the better. ISBN-13: 978-0711291300