To be read at 30 years old
I know this feels like the end of the world. This was the man you were supposed to marry and have children with - and now he’s gone. You feel like this is the end and you won’t find anyone to love you and start a family.
But you are so much more than he made you feel.
You will make mistakes as you move on from this. But twenty years from now, you regret none of them and you are happy. Much happier now that you are with someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Even the bit of you that is always losing keys and can’t remember if you left your hair straighteners on.
There are far worse things than being alone.
To be read at 36 years old
I know you feel utterly bewildered.
Here you are after so much loss, ectopic pregnancies, round after round of emergency surgery and no chance of getting pregnant naturally. The absolute unfairness of this is unbearable, almost physical pain. I know this is the point where anxiety really takes hold. I know you feel that because so much bad stuff has happened, it’s hard to imagine good things happening too.
Your mind goes mad thinking of the worst-case scenario every time someone is late, or you hear a noise, or something happens at work. I know you find it hard to leave the house, the fear is that bad.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you will be happy again. Truly happy. You never totally kick the anxiety – but you develop strategies that help. You make lists and have routines that help control the fears. You also have a husband and friends that stood with you through all of this and love you for you. And that is as precious as it gets.
And there is a plug now that tells you if you’ve left your hair straighteners on…
To be read at 41 years old
You know it’s time to let go. You know you deep down that cannot go through the agony of IVF another time. You don’t want to let anyone down, but it’s time.
Life under IVF is no life at all. Holidays, weddings, parties…you’ve missed them all because of the timing. You’ve forgotten what’s normal. Reminder: normal is not injecting yourself with IVF drugs in restaurant toilets. It’s not endless trips to the hospital. It’s not analysing everything you eat in terms of its egg building qualities.
You lost your 30s to endless rounds of hospital visits and hormones and your 20s to a controlling man who didn’t love you. Yes, it’s unfair, but it’s time to let go and start living in your 40s.You will still have my dark moments where your whole history still overwhelms you. But you wouldn’t want to totally forget it all either. There is a way of co-existing with these memories and moving on without having a child.
Remember I told you that there were worse things in life than being alone? There are also worse things in life than not having children. You have one life, one chance at living in this stupid messed up world and you need to get on with it. And I know this isn’t the life you imagined, but I can tell you that you still love it.
I also know that your baby loss is still like a secret shame that you don’t tell anyone. When it’s the right time you will – and it will set you that little bit freer.
To be read at 47 years old
It’s time now. You will finally talk about what happened to you, other people will trust their stories to you, and you’ll also help others understand how this all feels.
It will bring back some pain, but it will also help you to move on in ways you can’t grasp yet.
Go on. You’re braver than you think.
Anonymous
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