The rock is warm and rough under my hand. Small white flowers are clinging on for dear life in a crack. I’m looking out over the sea. It is calm and inviting, kind but at the same time overwhelming in all its greatness. The North Sea. If you continue straight towards the sunset, you would end up in Great Britain.
This hard rock, a high cliff at the end of the coastline, the last outpost, became my Safe Place, my Escape Place, during late childhood and early teens, during the summers.
Those moments, how I felt then, represent the majority of how I felt for almost my entire life. But not any longer. Now there’s been a shift. It’s been a long journey to come to this place. The core of my whole being, is changed.
But back to then, back to the girl on the rock. Alone, with the wind sweeping softly over her sunburned young skin.
She had the whole world on her shoulders.
The responsibility of everybody’s happiness.
The fear of never being enough. Good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, successful enough…Perfect enough.
The invisible silent threat was hovering over her head.
If you aren’t perfect, don’t have excellent grades, help out, do as you are told, are kind and sweet… there will be “consequences”. You never knew what they were, the silent threat felt so frightening that you didn’t want to ever find out, so you never did. Were they even true? It was silent management by fear.
The tight knot in my stomach was my constant companion through life. I did well. But I never felt it. I just felt worthless. Despite a successful career, successful marriage (on paper). The most beautiful wedding. A nice home. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel safe. Children was the next thing on the list of perfect accomplishments. And it all came crashing down. After years of struggling with failed IVF treatments and a miscarriage something happened deep inside me. I reached out for help.
With the help of a skilled therapist,I slowly navigated through the snarky and winding paths within my soul. She was the mother I never had, the detective who helped me find my inner voice that I’ve always had, but couldn’t reach. She helped me to see the huge inner strength that I possess. That has always helped me go through inhumane trials. Mental abuse as a child from my narcissistic mother, a husband that followed in her footsteps (you choose what you are familiar with sadly), and several autoimmune diseases. One extremely painful that made me infertile. Endometriosis. It still gives me hell from time to time. My strength helped me to go through the IVF process all by myself, because of my husband’s career and the fact that this was my fault, and my problem to solve.
My life was upside down, I understand that now. But then, the only thing that I could feel when I stepped over her doorstep was “LOSER”. It was like the word was engraved on my forehead. My friend Loser and I were totally intertwined with each other. My best mate.
My mantra “Come on Maria! Bite the bullet and get on with it!” which had been my constant companion through life didn’t work any longer.
Slowly I started to find myself, to be kind to myself. To see and feel my self-worth.
One night I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, after one of those crying in the bathroom moments, and just looked at myself. I said out loud “Maria, you can’t live like this any longer”. I filed for divorce. And in that instant, I gave up my dreams of becoming a mother.
It’s been a long and winding road that has led me to where I am today. To really know myself. Who I am, not what everybody else wants me to be. I have the strength to set boundaries, even if it is still hard. I’m able to see me for who I am and that I am worthy. I am good enough. I am a lovable person. My friend Loser left my side a long time ago, to go and explore other playgrounds.
When I think of her, the girl on the cliff, my heart gets soft and caring. My feelings for her are so strong. I feel her pain and it can bring tears to my eyes when I open the door and step into her world.
I want to say to her something she never got to hear from anyone when she grew up: “Everything is going to be ok. YOU will be ok.”
“You don’t have to worry. You ARE good enough, just as you are. You don’t have to change a thing about yourself. Listen to your heart and trust your inner voice, it knows what is right. It has known all this time.”
Maria
