Dear Sarah
I see you.
I see you crying on your own, curled up on the kitchen floor, hugging yourself because nobody else is hugging you. How can they when they don’t know how sad you are?
I know you.
I know you’re thinking you’re a broken failure, wondering how this has happened to you? You think you can’t tell anyone because the shame is too much to share.
I feel for you.
I feel your despair, the agony of sadness in your chest, the pain that rips through every sob. The loneliness.
I am here. You will be ok.
Let me tell you where you will be eighteen years from now.
You will be living a peaceful, contented life, in a house of your own with a beautiful garden that you created yourself.
The friends who you couldn’t share your pain with – some of them will still be your friends, and you will share, and it will make your friendships even stronger. You will have new friends because you will nurture connections and show up as your authentic self and people love that about you. You are kind and funny and trustworthy. You are a good friend.
Those twin babies that your sister has just told you she is expecting – that conflict of love and pain you are feeling right now – that will dissolve into pure joy at the birth of your niece and nephew. They are all grown up now, about to fly the nest. The love you feel as an Aunty will be beyond description, and oh my word, they will love you so much! You will spend time with them from when they are babies, watching them learn and play and become fine young adults. You are part of who they are now and who they will be in the future because they are your family, and they value you as part of their family.
The one who hurt you so badly, betrayed you and crushed your dreams – you will give him another chance. Crazy though that seems, your capacity for love and hope is strong. It makes you brave and optimistic but vulnerable. And yes, he will let you down again. But second time around you know you will survive because you did before.
Be prepared because life isn’t fair. He will move on to have a child with someone else, which has always been the biggest fear hidden in the depths of your mind. This will be the hardest hurt. It will feel like the end of the world, but in fact it will be your new beginning.
From here on, you will reflect on everything you have lost, and you will confront it bravely. You will be brave enough to accept help, to grieve, to let yourself hurt, knowing that you will mend. You are stronger than you realised!
As I write today, you have moved on from teaching. I know you can’t imagine not being a teacher, when you loved your work, and you were so good at it. But the time came for change. You will open yourself up to new learning and find you thrive on it. You will build your own business, helping others who find themselves childless, drawing on the ups and downs of your own experiences, proving that life can be fulfilling beyond your shattered hopes and dreams.
Even at your lowest moment, a small glow of self-love will stay alight. Your capacity to love and be loved will overcome your loneliness. Your love of learning will open new doors. Your appreciation of nature and beauty will bring you contentment and peace every day.
For a while, you will wish for a new partner to share your life, until one day you realise that you are happy by yourself. You will be glad you once felt true love, but these days you relish the simplicity of a life uncomplicated by one be-all-and-end-all relationship.
You will be successful. You will nurture strong friendships, value your family, and find asafe and contented home. You are clever, brave, and independent.
And there will be joy! Sometimes planned, sometimes unexpected, but you will notice it and grab it with both hands, because you realise you deserve it!
Please believe me when I say your love for yourself will grow and grow until it shines brightly as your biggest strength.
You are enough.
You are happy.
Love from Sarah - your Future Self
Sarah Bradley
