Diagnosed with Primary amenorrhea in my late teens and told at that young age I would likely never have periods or be able to have my own children was a pretty tough pill to swallow. A vague autoimmune explanation was given and sent on my way to take HRT for the rest of my life, was about as much support as I received. Yes, I’m sure there are lots of different ways I could have dealt with receiving this news back then, but as a teenager I dealt with it in the only way I knew how and that was to push it down, lock it away and convince myself I was ok with it all. Alongside other autoimmune related health challenges with joints, gut and fatigue, my journey through my 20’s, 30’s & 40’s hasn’t always been easy.
Now 20 years on, older and wiser, I can clearly see the way I dealt with it back then wasn’t the healthiestapproach to take and I wasn’t ok with it at all, which I find out later down the line. With everything I now know and have experiencedover the past 2 decades I write this letter to myself to prepare the younger version of me for what’s to come. Not in an attempt to change any of it, life had to unfold in the way that it did for me experience and process all of the emotions involved in this, but rather just to give my younger self the benefit of hindsight and to ease the way for the emotional journey she’s about to take.So here goes…
‘Childless not through choice’ isn’t an easy journey to go through but at the age of 42 you will finally accept it, and your future will take on a whole new perspective.
Lessons from my 20’s& 30’s…
Don’t try to convince yourself it’s all ok when deep down you always knew it wasn’t
You didn’t have to hide it away, it’s not a dirty secret
Be authentic and honest with yourself
Be brave enough to open up and tell those closest to you how you really feel
Don’t shut yourself off from children in an attempt to protect yourself – you’ll miss out on so much joy from spending time with them
Don’t compare your life to the life of your friends with children
Yes let yourself try and experience lots of different things but don’t do it to fill a void in your life, a job, hobby or project will never replace that void
Yes do your research, look for answers but don’t let it consume your thoughts
Talk about it more openly earlier on
Things to expect…
There will be dark times. There will be periods where you will look to the future and see nothing but an empty black void and no way to fill it
You will question your purpose in life, your reason for being here and you will struggle at times to come up with a satisfying answer
You will watch other families and see the joy and the love that exists for a child and you will feel deeply that you’re missing out – this will be one of your biggest triggers
You will cry a lot, be ready for this but also know its ok
You will keep hoping and praying that a miracle will happen, you will come up with names, nursey plans, you will keep dreaming
You will look at other mothers doing a pretty rubbish job and think it’s not fair
You will wonder why you, you will wonder if you ever had what it takes to be a mother
Acceptance & Peace in my 40’s
Family members will start having children around you, this will be a tough period, experiencing joy and sadness all at the same times will be difficult to process. And around the same time you will come to realise that its unlikely to happen now. That glimmer of hope has gone and you will start to grieve a life you will never get to experience.
You will go to a dark place, but its ok you need to go here to finally process the grief.
You’ll turn to a good friend and you’ll discover a community of childless women across the globe, listening to their stories will help to lift you from the grief and into a new place of acceptance.
This will be a feeling you’ve never felt before, a lightness, and you will finally let go.You will come to experience a new level of acceptance and peace, and this time around, with 2 decades of wisdom behind you, you will see it from a completely different perspective.
You will feel free to be the childless version of you, and you will feel such compassion for everything you’ve gone through.
Where does that leave me now…
At the age of 42 I’ve now accepted that the path of a mother in the traditional sense wasn’t the one mapped out for me, and rather than trying to fill a hole in my life I’m embracing life as a single, childless women and I've never felt so peaceful, content, and excited for what lies ahead. I don’t have it all worked out, but then who does, all I do know is that I’m creating a life which feels good on the inside.
So in short I want you to know everything turns out just how it was meant to and you will be just fine. Don’t be so hard on yourself along the way, remember what makes you different is what makes you you, and the sooner you embrace this, the sooner you will be free to live life on your terms.
Love yourself and create a life you love. From your older, wiser and happier self xxx
#acceptance #peace #embracinganewchapter
Nicola Black
