Anonymous
There is a cultural element to my experience of childlessness that is hard to explain. I think many childless people have some experience of being treated differently to parents, sometimes this is very subtle and hard to pinpoint, and at other times it’s really explicit.
I have a disability which means that I face challenges with day-to-day tasks. I’m also single which means I cope with these challenges on my own or with support that I am arranging and navigating by myself. My twin sister is married with a child with complex circumstances. There’s an unspoken bias within the family that gives her automatic status as a mother. There are subtle differences in the way I and my sister are treated. She automatically has value in our ethnic melting pot as she is continuing the family line. This is especially important given what our ancestors likely went through – they fought for survival and continuation so that we could be here. It wasn’t a given. This adds to the grief and shame I’m still dealing with of not giving my late mum grandchildren.
Mutually known friends, friends of my family and family abroad tend to prioritise who they ask after and who they visit. So there are numerous enquiries about my sister, her husband and nephew with lengthy chats about them, and meeting up is more likely to happen with my sister and nephew than with me. Even though my sister lives further afield. I get sidelined, and the conversation only ever briefly touches on my life. The hurt and loneliness are reinforced.
This results in me and my needs not even being on the radar, and if they are, they don’t seem to have validity. Instead, there’s an unconscious assumption that I will be in service to the family line, even when I’m dealing with my illness and complex situations. There isn’t the same expectation that a sibling (or anyone) would come to me to assist me, and there’s also no recognition or understanding of how much I am on my own with everything. Navigating conversations with family and friends of my family is multi layered experience.
I was brought up as Catholic. The confused dynamics of my experience with the catholic religion and its culture dominated by euro-centric patriarchy and matriarchy with a pronatalism perspective clashes with my lived experiences as a single mixed heritage childless not by choice women creating an inner conflict of faith for me. This brings an added layer of grief.
In addition to this hidden cultural facet, there are the challenges of navigating various systems, like medicine, as a mixed-race woman. One contribution to my childless not by choice status is that despite decades of symptoms and not getting pregnant, I wasn’t diagnosed with PCOS until I was 39. Over the years of exchanges with various medical professionals about fertility/family planning, the topic was pushed back to a future date at best (so delayed) but usually dismissed or I endured being patronised. In part due to my age but also the frequent telling me to wait until I had a partner.
I am left wondering how much of this was motivated by the unconscious bias and assumption that BIPOC women are seemingly hyperfertile. In most of these appointments, the white professional seemed surprised by how articulate and prepared I was. It is at this point I began to wonder that if I had a more British-sounding name or didn’t have black hair and a broad nose would I be treated with more respect in these white-dominated environments? Gynaecology and fertility spaces felt very white-centric with no imagery of people of colour. I only ever saw two professionals of colour across private and NHS spaces - who were brilliant.
It was the same with peri-menopausal support. White friends experiencing the same symptoms do seem to get medical support straight away while I have to fight for the same support for years. It’s exhausting. It makes me feel invisible and less than. It’s hard to stand up and risk being labelled as the angry person of colour, as the scary spice due to misinterpretion based on cultural stereotypes. It’s hard enough for women to be assertive anyway, and there are additional barriers if you’re also a person of colour. It’s a vulnerable position to be in.
There is very little or a total absence of data, research and funding regarding the lived experiences of BIPOC Childless. In addition, there seems an inadequate number of resources for and from BIPOC Childless not by choice shared for all. It would be ideal to redress the imbalance so BIPOC materials/resources became mainstream say in our Childless not by choice communities. I am aware of Yvonne John, author of Dreaming of a life unlived, one of few childless not by choice BIPOC contributors among the overall handful.
One BIPOC person speaking up or writing is not able to represent all the diverse groups. This can oddly be the expectation in society which is not quite the same expectation for our white Childless not by choice peers. It's a burden for us BIPOC and the mental load is fatiguing laced with the undercurrent legacy of trauma. Sometimes I observe the zoning out or switching off when a BIPOC expresses their lived experiences in our dominantely white centric childless communities. Disappointing as it is its also unintentional.
Dr. Carey Yazeed's article regarding ‘The Dangers of Courage Culture and Why Brene Brown Isn’t For Black Folk’ unapologetically illustrates the unconsidered reality of BIPOC with mainstream resources whilst calling for increased pathways for BIPOC contributors who reflect our global communities in regards to self help. B Brown works are great. Aiding many in our community, including me yet unintentionally her work doesn't factor in the lived BIPOC experiences regarding the realities around vulnerability. Indirectly I find myself being othered, disconnected due the author’s privileges which I as BIPOC do not have the same set.
What is reassuring is that our Childless not by choice community continues to be courageous in developing a safe space with evolving vocabulary that encourages all to enable dialogue leading to a bridge of further understanding so we can support each other better as global Childless not by choice women.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash