Anonymous
I could write multiple chapters sharing my CNBC journey. Today I was asked about being a childless step-parent. Where do I even begin?
I married later in life and my future step-daughter was just shy of 10 years old when I started dating her Dad. (She is now married to the love of her life). Our relationship started with a shared love of “The American Girl Dolls” as that was a favorite gift I gave to my nieces. On one of our first outings together she needed to use the public restroom. She saw the vending machine on the wall and asked me “what is a tampon”? I had no idea what her bio-mom had taught her at this age? I quickly said “I will tell you about it later” to give me some time to think. Thankfully I had her Mom’s cell phone # and sent a quick text asking how she wanted me to answer this question? She replied “just tell her it’s for when she gets her period”. Whew, simple answer that I almost made more complicated than needed. I told my step-daughter I wanted to answer her question when we had some privacy and used her Mom’s suggestion. Yep, that was all she needed to hear! Disaster averted!
In hindsight, this situation was a gift for both of us. I liked her Mom and I think it helped our relationship as she knew I was putting her daughter’s needs as a priority and asked for her input. I was not trying to take over and was attempting to provide her daughter more love and guidance. As a result, a mutual trust and respect began and continued to grow which I am very grateful for.
Even though everything started off positively in what is obviously a complicated web of relationships, the road forward was definitely a rollercoaster especially during the “tween” and “teenage” years. I had hoped her Dad & I would adopt and give her a sibling but that did not happen (One of those other chapters in my journey as I was unable to carry a child of my own!). There were definitely days when I shed tears, or more likely had to hold them back, because no matter what I was still “step-mom” and knew I would never be “mom”. I worked hard to redefine my role in this world. I could not have children so how could I make an impact to share kindness and make a positive impact on the children I encountered in my life?
It turned out that I became the parent who always had an ear available to truly listen (even though I often had to withhold what I was really thinking), taught kindness, respect, accountability and boundaries. I was also the parent who never spoke badly about anyone else in the blended families (I was bestowed this honor by my step-daughter when she became a young adult). I tried, not always perfectly, to set an example by my actions and words whenever possible. Was this easy? Absolutely not! Worth it? Yes! On my bad days when I’m struggling, rest assured there are many of those, I try to go back to my intentions and remind myself of the “new role” I envisioned for my life.
Even so many years later, something will trigger me and I will struggle. There were times when my step-daughter was very upset with her bio-mom. I did my best to just listen. She needed to be heard and validated. My standard answer was usually something similar to “I understand why you are upset. Your Mom is doing the best that she can because she loves you”. I have to admit that the jealousy would creep in knowing I would never have that relationship with my step-daughter. No matter what, nothing ever replaces the bio-mom. Sometimes this pill is very hard to swallow. My heart aches. It is reality and I have to accept it.
One thing I noticed in my life as a positive outcome of being a step-parent is all of a sudden I was miraculously allowed to participate in conversations about parenting!It was like I had graduated to acceptance with this new role and title almost overnight. Now I had some sort of credibility. Yet at the same time, there were a few people in my life (mainly one colleague in particular) who did not hesitate to put me in my place sharing that I would not know what an appropriate baby shower gift was because I was not a parent! Really? It’s not rocket science!I do not attend baby showers for several reasons (one is obvious and the other is due to family history and superstitions) and tell friends I will shower them with a gift after the baby is born.One of my go to gifts is children’s books or a gift card to a children’s bookstore. You can never have too many books!
Being a childless step-parent is different for each of us on this journey especially since there are so many other people involved that impact the dynamics. I’ve always believed that we are the adults and the kids should not be made to suffer for the decisions the adults make. The kids come first and that is how I have tried to approach my role even through the extremely different times.
I take comfort and pride in knowing that my step-daughter comes to me with the tough stuff in life and says “I’m the only one she can talk to”. It’s an honor I cherish while at the same time can be a burden. Such a twist of emotions! Yep, I’ll never truly be “Mom” and it still hurts. So, now I have to take some time to process the brief sadness that is creeping in and then try to refocus on the role I promised I would make every effort to be when my life changed.
Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash