Gail Miller
Does anyone ever dream of becoming a stepmom? Not me. But here I am, navigating this adventure with all its twists. Stepmotherhood is like walking a tightrope – being supportive while respecting family dynamics and valuing yourself. The last part - valuing myself - took me time and a lot of work to put into practice.
The journey becomes even tougher when you add not having your own children into the mix, whether by choice or not. And if not having children wasn't a choice, being a stepmom can amplify the pain. I've certainly felt it.
Those of us who didn't choose to be childless are all too familiar with the fact that motherhood is often glorified and assumed to come effortlessly. Being a stepmom without having been a biological mom brings a whole new level of emotions, underscoring the ache of childlessness. It piles on the isolation, yearning, and feeling of not quite measuring up that often accompanies being CNBC.
Being a stepmom also brings another set of mixed emotions. The milestones that others take for granted can be painful reminders of what you won't experience. It’s a whirlwind of feelings: sadness for what you missed, yet joy for the unique connection you've built with your stepchildren – IF you’ve been able to establish a positive bond with them. That’s not always possible.
And then there are other complications. The age of the kids when you entered their lives. Your relationship with their biological mother. No matter how old they are, the kids often struggle with loyalty toward their mom. Connecting with their stepmom can make them feel like they're betraying their mom, even if they're not aware of it. That influences how they behave; for some stepmoms, it can affect how they feel about themselves. I’ve been there.
I’m exceptionally fortunate that my husband and his ex-wife had an amicable divorce and we all have a good relationship. I’m also fortunate that, now that we’re past the teenage years, my relationship with my stepkids is positive.
That doesn’t mean though that the pain of childlessness doesn’t feel emphasized at times. I’ll never be mom to them. I’ll never share the same bond. There is nothing wrong with any of us for that. It’s just the reality. It’s also painful.
Another tricky part in all of this is dealing with the "stepmom" label. It's not just because it brings to mind the classic "evil stepmom" stereotype. It also stirs up other issues thanks to how it's used – sometimes by your partner and very often by society.
‘Stepmom’ isn’t just a label - it comes with conflicting expectations. You see, the "mom" part implies you should shower your stepkids with love and care, just like their actual mom would – basically treating them like your own. But then there's the "step" part, a constant reminder from every direction that they're not your biological kids, and you don't get the same (or sometimes any) rights as their mom. It's a real and painful tug of war.
I’m not saying stepmoms can't "love them like your own." Many do, many don't. There’s nothing wrong with either. Emotions can't be forced. But criticism comes regardless.
If you don't love stepkids as your own, expect endless critique. Often from the same people who'll remind you they're not yours and you lack rights. Do we expect stepkids to love a stepmom like their bio mom? Why do stepmoms get held to different standards?
Do you love stepkids like your own? Still, people fault you. Why? That pesky "step" reminder. They're not your kids. Often from the same critics of stepmoms who lack that same love.
Assumptions and criticism never stop. Judgment for being childless keeps coming. Pain piles up. It feels like there's no escape.
All the while some of us stepmoms are navigating the loss of having children of our own.
I love my husband, but this was an issue when his kids were younger and lived with us half-time. It was a significant struggle between us. He had the expectation that I would love his kids and care for them like they were my own (the ‘mom’ part of the label). At the same time, I was also the ‘step’ and didn’t have the right to expectations in our home.
One situation highlighted this. We were sitting with my stepson and his friend one evening after dinner. My stepson (a teen then) told his friend “Gail thinks I should help out and do some things in the house.” His friend’s response was “What’s wrong with that? I’m expected to do things in my house.” My stepson’s answer was a big smile on his face and “But my dad would never allow that.” Unfortunately, my husband’s response was also a huge grin and a proud nod in agreement.
That moment hit hard. I felt like an outsider – invisible as if they were discussing me in my absence. I started thinking about what it would have been like at that moment if I had my own kids, my own family, a sense of belonging. It was a loneliness I'd never felt, even when I was single.
My husband would never have allowed that behavior and attitude from his son toward anyone in his family. But I wasn't really part of their family. I was the ‘step’. A servant.
I also wondered if having my own kids would command more respect and better treatment. Was this a case of "Well, you're childless, so what do you know?"
That ache, it's still raw, like it's happening right now. The sting? Crystal clear, just as it was then. The wound still feels as deep. The only difference now is that I'm mortified that I let myself be treated that way. But I'm also proud of how far I've come from that person.
I want to be clear on a few points. First, my expectations were simple: clean up after he ate a snack, help clean up the table after dinner and throw trash in the trash can, not on the floor. That was it. Nothing close to the evil stepmom torture that some would imagine.
Secondly, I was fortunate to hear from a psychologist who's an expert in stepmom dynamics. I learned that my husband's behavior, while absolutely wrong, was sadly quite common among divorced dads. Divorce comes with a side of guilt, not that it excuses anything – it definitely doesn't. But knowing that it's a ‘normal’ and shared pattern helped put it in context to help in trying to address it.
Lastly, my stepson's actions fell into the realm of typical teenage behavior, especially a teen of divorce – not great, but definitely not unusual either.
This all brought me on a journey of self-discovery. I had to come to terms with the fact that I needed to advocate for myself and to draw important boundaries. It became clear that they'd persist if I kept allowing those behaviors.
It was a realization that also brought into focus that I needed to address the deep sadness that comes with being involuntarily childless. The role of a "stepmom" seemed to amplify this pain, constantly reminding me of what I had hoped for but didn't have. I had to face the hurdles of stepmotherhood while also wrestling with the bittersweet emotions of not having the family I had dreamed of.
With the help and guidance I received through coaching and therapy, I recognized my self-worth. It wasn't an overnight revelation but a process of understanding and acknowledging the value I hold as an individual. Through this journey, I learned to appreciate my strengths, establish healthier boundaries, and prioritize my own well-being. This realization empowered me to advocate for myself and navigate the challenges of stepmotherhood and the pain of involuntary childlessness with a newfound sense of confidence and resilience.
Empowering women who are childless not by choice to feel worthy, live fulfilling lives and manage challenging situations. My one-on-one coaching empowers women to rediscover who they were before they realized that their dreams of motherhood wouldn’t come true. Through my coaching clients can navigate difficult circumstances that trigger pain. I help CNBC women redefine their visions for their lives and embrace the good in their lives. I am passionate about helping other women find the same healing and wholeness that I've discovered along the way.