I joined a running club recently. You know, one has to keep busy. And the first time the four of us met in a park (3 males including the coach and one other female aged 30’s-50’s) the conversation immediately turned to their families.
Was there a previously agreed agenda? The minutes forming a guide for me on how the other half (the “family” people) live? Conversations about holidays– they were all about to go somewhere, had just been somewhere or had had a trip cancelled - how the children were terribly excited/had a great time/were disappointed - how they were balancing life and children at home, how great/fantastic/awful it was over lockdown…a conversation that I could only stand on the side-lines and overhear like a child on the stairs listening to the grown-ups talk in the other room.
I can’t even profess to having a partner – then at least I could have found 50% of the common ground and started talking about him in some way, desperately finding a way to feel normal and in some way like them. As a childless single woman in my 50’s I felt as alienated as you’d ever want to feel.
Especially as I was a new member of the group I wanted to be accepted, to find some common ground, but I struggled to find my place. I thought they would ask me about my running history, my life, my job but no-one did. It was like joining an elite private club where everyone already knew and abided by the rules and the assumption was that I was in exactly the same position but just didn’t want to share details (not that anyone asked!).
I don’t blame the people at the club. It’s their world, it’s all-encompassing and it’s all they know but once upon a time these people were like me – childless, partner-less, untethered, unconventional but somehow, somewhere down the line, without even thinking, they became members of that private elite club and their previous life is long forgotten. That of course doesn’t happen to us all. Fate decides otherwise.
It wasn’t a nice experience but it’s an experience that has been repeated again and again in both work and social situations – countless times I have stood by whilst conversations on various child related topics unfold before me. And eventually they will turn to me and ask, “do you have children?” when I always reply “no, but I guess it’s great because it allows me time to ……” but I’ve lost them at no and I hear myself justifying myself to myself and I realise, I will always be the outsider.
Anon.