Laura Graham
I wanted to write because I was tired of coming across pregnancy tropes in nearly every book I read. The narrative that to have a happy ever after there has to be kids. The expectation that there WILL be kids to cement a happy relationship.
When I started writing I was taking what I wanted to see in other books but didn't and putting it in my own. For example I'm chronically ill so I don't want to read about the most powerful, strongest character defying odds as a character arc all the time because my disability will never go away and so that's depressing as hell.
I want to read about a character who remains disabled but is loveable for other reasons.
It's the same with my childless characters. I don't want to read about a pregnancy because I'm fed up with seeing it so I want to see someone go down a different path.
When I started I just wanted a different story arc. What I didn't expect was that once I got into the character I got deep. I started writing from real life experiences of what it feels like to be childless in social situations and making my main character go through that.
I did writing critique swaps with other authors to get feedback on my writing. By doing this I've come across several stories portraying really harmful stereotypes about childless people.
When I've tried to point out how the portrayal feels from my perspective my feedback wasn't well received. It’s not surprising it wasn't well received because we are used to seeing childless people constantly bashed and demonised online and in the media for not having children. We’re depicted as bitter, selfish, empty, promiscuous, as having an easy life and most importantly as less. So who am I as a nobody to try and tell someone that's hurtful? One bad stereotype and ok fair enough, but when books make direct comparisons between mothers and non-mothers to put an angelic light on one and demonise the other. When they have a pronatalist message that you're nothing if you're not a mother. That’s not something I'm going to keep quiet about. Its something I will keep making enemies over because it's so rare that we're in a position to tell the creators how we feel so I can't pass up the opportunity. My question is why does my opinion on THIS despite being given as politely as all other feedback I deliver to authors cause such a defensive reaction. Why do childless people having an opinion offend people?
On the flip side my story also wasn't well received by the first mothers who read it. There's a particular scene where my main character Alice feels isolated and frozen out by a group of mothers. They were offended by the portrayal. They didn’t believe mothers would act that way and also didn't feel the main character had reason to be upset in the situation. And so this made them feel it was “anti-mothers” and therefore not okay.
As an author that’s a scary thing to hear because review bombing is pretty common now. If you offend a group of people they will get everyone they know to give you bad reviews and tank your rating. I had to ask, is writing something controversial worth risking my career as an author? And how far away from accepting the non-mum perspective are we?
Upon sharing my blurb in writing groups on Facebook; I was bombarded with comments about my main character being too young to be childless and that there are so many other ways to have a kid (the usual crap we get from people I'm sure you'll relate to). At first I tried to educate people that you can be childless at any age but the comments got nasty. Several people saying things along the lines of - they wouldn't read such a weak pathetic character that whines about being childless when there's adoption or she could marry someone with kids. Now that's a big subject. Because as a community most of us are well aware that adoption is not an option available or suitable to most of us and that actually adoptive parents and step parents are not fixed. Most I have encountered feel just as much grief but they have other challenges on top of that grief. Society sees there being a cure all when there isn't, and so any empathy for us as a community is non-existent.
Even upon trying to explain to other authors in person I hit brick walls and get told that my character and wallowing in a non issue and that it might help to say on the blurb that she is a barren spinster and to give her a happy ending rather than saying hope is lost at a point where it isnt.
I'm sure you've heard friends and family say these things so it won't surprise you that I was bombarded online.
I tried to educate to start but as the comments got nastier and the ignorants grew in numbers I had to delete, block the commenters and step away. I want to educate but there has to be a better way to do it than arguing with asshats in a Facebook group? We need more exposure!!
I plan to do some live interviews about my book on Instagram and Facebook and I’m currently psyching myself up to explain the childless aspect of my character as I want to raise awareness. Perhaps it will be easier just for me and the interviewer? Bt a big part of me is ringing alarm bells about it. I’m open to criticism as an author once published, those trolls who disagree with my comments will express it in the reviews of a book they haven't read or tried to understand.
I’m constantly battling between wanting to raise awareness but not wanting to be a target for those that feel the need to fight it.
So feeling discouraged I considered removing the scene and posted in the Non-mum Facebook group for advice. I had so much support! Members telling me to keep it in and that it will draw in the right people. Having a large group of people behind you as support is a pretty amazing feeling so I kept the scene in and didn't sensor it. Members said- we want to be represented and sometimes you need to offend to do that - they rallied round me and I must be feeling brave or very stupid because my book publishes in January.
I went on to submit to a writers critique group for honest feedback on the 1 scene as a standalone. Three mothers stated that they felt for my character and found the scene emotive.
When I explained to them the anger I’d come across from my previous beta readers it was agreed by them that the anger had much more to do with that person's inability to empathise than it did with the childless point of view being offensive.
“I read scene 2 and it's fantastic. I'm a mom of 3 and it doesn't offend me at all. It's very real and powerful. I would not change a thing because I think this point of view is very needed in our society and you captured it perfectly.”
“Another parent feeling they (my character) shouldn't feel emotions because they are childless is kind of heartless and you ultimately have to say what you want said.”
“Agreed! I wasn't offended at all! I related well to her feelings of isolation, and I thought she was honest about her anger but also about it being not really about Bonnie, really good! Very well handled!”
I’m still feeling quite anxious if I'm being honest. I'm putting myself on a knife block because I know there will be people who despise what I've written. But now I know there's people who appreciate it as a writer. That's a heartwarming thought that outweighs the fears.
