Someone once told me at work that I was a quiet, 'in the background' sort of person. Clearly they've never seen me at karaoke night! I suddenly lose all inhibitions and want to sing my heart out, oblivious to whoever is listening and what they think of me (and trust me, cats fighting probably sounds better).
But I am quiet at work - which is why I've surprised myself lately with an urge to speak up about the taboo subject - childlessness in the workplace.
I've always felt shame around childlessness, never being honest about it, let alone to colleagues. I guess something changed when I discovered that I wasn't alone - 1 in 5 women reach midlife without children in the UK, and around 90% of these are childless not by choice. Nearly a third of professional women aged 45-60 are childless. This was such a surprise to me because frankly, we're invisible.
I've experienced many different work environments, but a consistent theme has been the high value placed on baby news. Over my lengthy career I've been emailed colleagues' prenatal scans, contributed to many colleagues' baby showers, attended bring new baby to work events, stopped Zoom meetings mid-way to smile at babies and pause for chats to kids, been surprised by baby announcements and photos popping up in work presentations and company photo mug shots, and read through baby/child updates in work messaging channels.
Following the years of failed IVF, I've always felt a bit, well uncomfortable and excluded by these situations, but thought it must just be me. Having been a member of Lighthouse Women for a while now, I hear it's a common experience among the wider community. But with so many people who are non-parents in the workplace and the numbers of these who are childless not by choice, I've started to wonder why there is so much baby promo when work should really be about, well - work? And does this mean I have less value because I'm not part of this highly prized club?
Coming to terms with involuntary childlessness is difficult enough in our pro-natal world, and we'd hope that the workplace would be an adult focused area which offers some respite, where our (childless) abilities can shine equally along with everyone else. But society tells us that, as a woman, nothing I could achieve can equal the achievement of motherhood. A nod to this absolute achievement of parenthood is so often used in people's work introductions or statements when they've achieved something (else) amazing. So it seems as childless women (and men) our achievements aren't given the same attention.
It's also a wider issue. As non-parents we're unrepresented in workplace policies, and supportive contributions often seem to go un-noticed. I've heard many women over the years say that despite covering extra work of parental leavers, listening to baby talk in the office while struggling with grief over childlessness, and having to fit work around care for elderly relatives due to being 'free' to do that, there's never a 'we recognise your achievements shower' laid on. Dealing with the unrecognised grief of childlessness means that often people have to seek support from therapists and communities such as Lighthouse Women - outside the workplace.
It's important to recognise also that parents can often be under supported, and this is not to detract from that. But certainly, workplace policies are keen to offer help for 'hard working families' and their experiences are widely discussed. But with 1 in 5 women reaching midlife without children, and 80% of these being childless through circumstance (such as not having met a partner), and with possibly 25-30 % (and growing) numbers of staff being non-parents, would it be a bit fairer for employers to show that they value all their staff equally - not only the families?
For example, could employers try to give a more equal focus to the life achievements of non-parents? Could they develop more training for HR and managers to understand the grief and exclusion of childlessness, and encourage parental leavers to be a little more sensitive in announcing baby news? Could they create awareness that they won't know who is grieving childlessness because society shames us into not talking about it? And to avoid the shaming statements such as 'can't you just adopt' without really understanding what this means? Could employers introduce workplace leave policies that can be fairly taken up by all employees, and recognise everyone's contributions? Could they include World Childless Week in their communications to raise awareness that childlessness can result in exclusion, shame and grief? Could they help to build more understanding of the challenges of different life situations, so that everyone gets the chance to be recognised - without judgement?
I'm encouraged by more and more people talking about this subject and hope that in the future it won't be unusual to talk about childlessness. Each time one of us speaks out, we're helping to reduce the stigma that keeps us quiet and invisible.
So I've vowed to start being a bit braver and a bit louder in voicing my views, and I've found this very liberating in helping to reduce my own feelings of shame and unworthiness.
It's like singing at that karaoke machine - at first thought it makes you cringe with embarrassment - and you can't believe you could do it, let alone in public! But one day I nervously picked up the microphone, the tune came on, and I shook off the embarrassment and just sang like a superstar! The feeling was utterly liberating.
If you ever get the chance (for karaoke or speaking out about childlessness!) try it - we can accomplish great things when we're not so bothered about what other people think. So go forth and sing loudly!
Sam Hill
