Kirsten Tompkins
Who am I if I can’t be a mother?
Ask any parent to describe themselves in almost any context and almost without exception they’ll start with ‘mother’ or ‘father’. There may have been a backlash against recent negative categorisations of non-parents; but if you don’t have children, you’ll know that awkward silence when you’re asked the ‘kids’ question’, and the questioner can’t work out what to say next if they can’t compare notes.
The norm of parenthood and the indelible part this plays in identity means that those of us who wished for, but couldn’t have children, can face a grief that cuts into the very heart of who we are. When I knew that I would never have children, I grieved the children I lost, but also the life I couldn’t have.
I think this loss of presumed identity is too often underestimated. The grief of a live unlived can be profound.
I can’t say that I have completely worked through this loss, but I can identify five elements that have helped me get to a place now where I now love the life I live. None of this was a conscious effort, but I hope that this hindsight will help others on their journey.
1. Finding inspiration in role models
There are so many childfree and childless role models out there when you start to look, however you might define the term.
But I think I have drawn the most inspiration from friends and colleagues. Our support group in EY embraces the childless and childfree for many practical reasons, but an unexpected bonus for me has been inspiration from people who are child free by choice. They show by example that children and parenthood aren’t the only pathways to meaning and happiness.
2. Re-finding my'me-ness'
I recently read a quote that really resonated…"You will be many different 'you's' throughout your life. You may not be the 'you' you want to be, but be the 'you' who loves and celebrates themselves."
I have been so many different versions of me. But whoever I have been, I have always been curious and opinionated. The difference now is that it’s the bit that I love and revel in as being an essential bit of me - and what makes me good at my job!
I actually think I that I have developed a much better appreciation of who I am in the last few years- perhaps more than if I’d had children?
3. Focusing on legacy and relationships
When I think of what I leave behind, it won’t be children, but I hope that I have contributed in many so other positive ways.
I helped to save and run a local cricket club – including making umpteen cricket teas, registering an entire youth section, organising fixtures, and raising funds. I’ve volunteered in my local community. I am wife, daughter, aunt, friend, colleague.
We will all leave our imprint on the world in so many ways.
4. Celebrating achievements and milestones: If you watched Sex & the City you might remember the episode where Carrie comments about how much she's paid out for weddings and baby showers over the years without having an event of her own.
But it wasn’t so much missing out on the gifts for me, as the milestones I missed. But then, I thought, aren’t these just the milestones that society has signified as important? There are so many others in that we can mark and celebrate, from climbing real or metaphorical mountains, to a promotion to a Parkrun PB.
5. Finding things that bring me joy: When I'm struggling, I look for joy in the little things, like the first daffodils of spring, a great cup of tea, a cake that rises perfectly and my garden robin waiting patiently for me to unearth worms.
Finding joy in life – in my life – and not comparing that life or my joy to anyone else’s has been a big part of moving forward. One life which is here for living. Not the one I planned, but one I will love and live to the full.
