Sandra McNicol
I’m curious about how this image resonates with all of you.
Adapted from Lois Tonkin 1996
At first glance, it might feel a little demotivational, and you might question, “Will I always grieve this intensely?” Based on my personal experience and my work within the childless community, the answer to that question is “No.” We go through a period of intense grief, which might last longer than we expect. Then, depending on our individual situations, with time, support, healing, and community, the frequency and duration of these grief episodes can reduce. Moreover, when the time is right and with plenty of bravery, love, and support, our lives can also begin to grow around being childless.
We are all unique, so the way each of our lives change and evolve around our losses will differ for each of us. Some examples might include meeting new people, expanding our studies, embracing creativity, cherishing our relationships with pets, prioritizing peace by doing less, advancing in our careers, recognizing that we are whole and complete as we are, revisiting old hobbies or discovering new ones, caring for our elders, relocating, becoming more resourceful, traveling, finding new outlets for our love, and more.
Nevertheless, regardless of how our lives change, it would be inaccurate to say that the losses related to being childless disappears over time. This is a living loss; thus, it's normal for it to remain with us throughout our lives. When caught off guard, the sense of loss can feel even more intense.
We are all different, and each of our journeys will be distinctive. Grief might accompany us at our best friend’s child’s wedding, surface when we see a joyful family photo and momentarily ponder what could have been, arise upon retirement, emerge during a move to a new home, unexpectedly make us feel unworthy for no apparent reason, surprise us in a supermarket aisle, manifest if we fall ill, seem to have vanished completely, resurface when someone close to us passes away, be present as our bodies change, linger during walks in the park, accompany us when we welcome a new pet, reappear as we age, and pop up in various moments (or not).
I am 48 and (hopefully) still have many years ahead of me. Therefore, I have yet to experience numerous life events I mentioned above. My references are drawn from my grief therapy training, my work with clients older than me, and the wisdom shared by the wonderful elders in our community.
I understand that years later, the intensity of our grief can catch us off guard. However, what I do know is that if grief resurfaces, the worst thing we can do is criticize ourselves and start thinking that we are wrong or broken for “not having moved on.” My wish for you (and for me) is that when an unexpected surge of grief appears out of nowhere, you embrace yourself with love and compassion. Know that you did nothing wrong, and being childless is a unique layer of your life experience that changes and evolves as you do. Also, understand that you are not alone. Reach out, for we have a loving community ready to welcome you.
My name is Sandra, and I am permanently CNBC too. I, therefore, have first-hand experience of the multi-layered pain of being childless. In 2020 I started my childless community. Today this has evolved into a community which includes a 1) Free Facebook Support Group, 2) Various paid zoom groups with workshops and coaching a) Healing Hearts (focused on CNBC grief support) and b) Embracing US (focused on rediscovering meaning) and 3) Individual Grief Therapy/Coaching. You don’t need to do this alone, come join your tribe.