I was diagnosed with Primary Ovarian Failure in my mid-20s - it looked like I had gone through puberty, suffered with a viral infection that triggered autoimmune issues causing my immune system to attack my ovaries. I was offered no support other than starting HRT treatment, which I have been on for 30 years now.
I had no big aspirations and becoming a mother was something I had always wanted, once I had met the right man. My life has not been straightforward as I have lived an expat lifestyle, firstly in the diplomatic service and then following my husband’s career. I shutdown to cope with the pain, and most people assumed we were too focussed on our careers to have children - for me my life was the distraction.
Each new country was a challenge as it is hard to keep changing doctors and finding the right HRT, as often the one I was on and getting along with was not available. Most doctors could not understand, and a few point blank did not wish to believe what I was telling them.
When I finally was at a point to put my desires of motherhood as my priority we were living in the US and due to return to the UK. My husband and I had discussed various options and had decided that we would look into adoption to grow our little family. Unfortunately, this coincided with the 2008 financial crisis and my husband lost his job. He was fortunate to finally be offered a position with his firm in Switzerland.
This was the end of my dream and following a massive breakdown, I started my healing journey. A journey that has taken time to heal the pain - the grief for the children my heart longed for. It has taken so much self-love to make it to a point of acceptance, and to see that I am still worth so much to the world. I am a person who reaches out as a mother to others, a natural nurturer and empath. I see my ‘mother’ role in a much bigger way in the world.
Through my healing, writing played a key part. I wrote my first novel (The Naked Knitting Club) last year, and somehow it felt right that the main character should have the same issues, as a way to pass on the burden of my pain, and at the same time present this topic to the world in a way for readers to learn about this impact of infertility. Cate’s journey through this book (and the next two books) stems from her low self-esteem after her failed IVF attempts. This is a underlying theme through the books.
It is only now, after finally feeling freed from the vice-lke grip of pain in my heart, that I am starting to share my story. To tell the world and to make sure that other women who are suffering learn they are not alone and there is hope, and indeed joy to be had, and it is OK to be a family of two.
Last weekend I had the joy of meeting my first great-niece, and it truly was the first time in my life that I cuddled the tiny bundle in my arms with love in my heart, now the pain has healed. I am free to love again, and that truly is magic.
Janet Groom