In 2017, when I was still in childless denial, I started to train as a life coach. It was intended to be useful in my career as a teacher and a possible future alternative to teaching.
Three years later, I am a fully fledged Coach, specialising in supporting individuals or couples to move forwards from childlessness. Hence, my own Moving Forwards Adventure has become intertwined with those looking to create their own Plan B, which has a satisfying pattern or balance to it.
I have known for a couple of years now that I’ve moved a long way forwards in my childless life. Writing this piece gives me an opportunity to reflect on how I did that – because there were many times when I was convinced I was stuck struggling in a mire of sadness, shame and self-pity.
As a Coach, I tend not to give advice, but I hope these reflections might be relevant or useful for others looking to move forwards from childlessness.
The 1st Step. Childless grief is a thing.
Who knew you needed to grieve the loss of hopes and dreams and expectations, just like you do with any other loss? It first dawned on me when I read a tiny magazine piece by Jody Day, telling me just that. I found a counsellor, who was ok but wasn’t really touching on the childlessness situation. So I searched for and found a counsellor who could help me work through my childlessness “issues.” In our first session, she asked me if my children had names. It broke my heart, but it was the start of a transformation, because she clearly got it. She was so tuned in to my situation that for several weeks I assumed she was also childless, but it turned out she has three children. I’ve included this point because some people spend ages trying to find a counsellor who doesn’t have children. It shouldn’t matter. A good counsellor builds a relationship so that you feel safe to tell your story and let out all the grief you didn’t even realise was there. You can’t move forwards until you have grieved what you’ve lost.
The Next Step. Lose the shame – you didn’t fail.
For many years I dreaded being the subject of other people’s pity. Poor Sarah. She couldn’t keep her marriage together; she lives alone; she can’t have children… A light bulb moment in my journey was when I realised the only person who felt sorry for me was me! I thought I’d failed – no one else did. I was guilty that I hadn’t given my parents grandchildren – they never blamed me. I was ashamed that I couldn’t do what other women do – it wasn’t my fault.
I hated my useless body, I feared loneliness and felt excluded from a world where it seemed everyone had children apart from me. This was the hardest aspect of childlessness to move away from because it was all to do with my self-perception and self-worth.
Then I found bravery! During World Childless Week 2018 I went public. I came out! It was the equivalent of an AA first step – “I’m Sarah and I am childless.”
I posted daily to my friends on social media on the theme of childlessness. I was terrified! What if people felt sorry for me? What if they weren’t interested?
What actually happened was an amazing response – dozens of likes and comments; some friends were sad that I’d been sad; lots of support and understanding and, best of all, a few messages from friends who are also childless, thanking me for being brave and talking about it.
You can’t move forwards with self-pity, shame and guilt hanging round your neck. Accept yourself for who you are and what your experiences have made you. Be brave, be an advocate, put yourself out there as a childless person of value and worth.
More Steps. Make plans… and more plans… and change plans… and new plans.
Moving forwards can’t happen if you’re standing still. My life hadn’t turned out as I’d hoped and expected. What if that gave me the freedom to head in whatever direction I pleased? How exciting!
I started with small plans – days out, time with friends, time to myself. I got an allotment. I baked cakes. I made sure every day had some purpose beyond the mundane but small enough to be achievable. I became comfortable in my own company.
Then I made big plans. I reduced my teaching to part time and set up my coaching business, Apricot Lane Coaching. It was, and sometimes still is, a dauntingly steep learning curve, but I’m answerable only to me so I gave myself permission to be daring!
I changed plans when my intentions to resign from my teaching job were put on hold by Covid. And that’s ok. I didn’t fail or get it wrong.
Moving forwards sometimes involves putting things on pause without seeing it as a setback.
The Big Leap. Childlessness doesn’t define me.
These days I rarely think about being childless, unless it’s to do with my coaching work or making a point on social media, challenging pro-natalism or touching base with Gateway Women. I genuinely love living on my own and continuing to live life as I choose; which includes family, friends, furbabies and other people’s children (in moderation).
The Way Forwards.
I stopped writing this piece for half an hour as I was struggling to come up with a useful conclusion. I can recognise all the above milestones and key moments in how I moved forwards, but how would I sum it all up?
Then I realised!
It was all about me all along – me as a person in my own right; not me as an ex-wife or someone who wanted to be a mother; who thought she was being judged by others but was actually just judging herself.
Until I acknowledged to myself that I was unhappy I couldn’t grieve.
Until I grieved, I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself.
Until I stopped feeling like a failure, I didn’t have the confidence to make plans and decisions that were good for me.
Until I made plans and carried them through, life wasn’t fulfilling or challenging or purposeful.
Now that my life without children is fulfilling and challenging and purposeful, I am Moving Forwards and I am content.
Sarah Bradley