The concept of moving forward is daunting when you are in the throes of grief.
Over time acceptance slowly starts to sink in.
With each passing year, or some developing health issue, you start to accept that you will never have (and I cringe as I type this…) that “rainbow baby” you were told would happen, “If only you would stop stressing!” Well, not everyone gets that outcome.
It is hard when society constantly reminds us of what we are not, and what we don’t have. If you don’t have children, you are seen as an outsider. Sometimes even a danger! Because of this twisted attitude many of us go through a far deeper, withdrawn stage and start feeling angry and rejected, as opposed to loved and supported. Some are lucky enough to have that support, but that has not been my experience.
We are exposed to a constant stream of gloating on social media and hear a barrage of complaints about kids or pregnancy symptoms! Each time you see a sonogram it feels like a sharp slap in the face. It takes me straight back to my own scan years before, and hearing the words ring in my ears “the embryo has gone!” Anxiety surges and you think here we go again! Triggered. Same shit, different day! It feels like a holding pattern of hurt that is not so easy to shake off. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It is an indication you are still grieving.
Being valued less as a person because you are not a member of the parent club is a topic I often read about in support forums. Heck, I have felt it myself! There are many unfair assumptions about our lifestyle by those who really don’t know the half of it. It is not all carefree, tons of money, jet-setting, sleep enriched lives. Not by a long shot! Even if it were… Do you think people would sacrifice their children for it? Of course not!!!
All of these misjudgements really hinder our ability to heal and grow. You begin to doubt yourself and lose self-esteem. Your own grief leaves you feeling broken… But when someone thoughtlessly says as much, it is a crushing blow. There is nothing worse than being told you will never know the meaning of true love until you become a parent/grandparent! Newsflash: Parents do not hold the monopoly on love! What an absolute crock! I know enough awful parents to instantly disprove that theory! Love comes in many forms, and we childless are no less capable of love. What we actually need is a little compassion from those around us to not make comments like that. Even if they believe it to be true, they should know their audience for goodness sake!
It takes a lot to adjust and let go of those dreams and visions we had set in our minds and hearts about the future. Coming to terms with this is a form of disenfranchised grief. There is no time limit on when you should ‘get over it’. We are all unique, as our own pain thresholds. Understanding this has been a big turning point for me. My grief will always ebb and flow and I accept that. Some days I move backwards.
I stopped believing the hype that I was somehow incomplete or less! I find anyone who feels the need to gaslight or put another person down is not worth your time or energy.
I am now in my fifth year coming to terms with involuntary childlessness, and I like to think I am pretty open with friends and family about my situation. I’ve upped and walked away from those who made me feel shame or worthlessness.
Until now, I felt the public stage was maybe a step too far. I remained anonymous when writing for World Childless Week in previous years, but this year I feel bolder. I am grateful that with the support of my CNBC community (some absolutely incredible friends) I am finding new inspirations and outlets to let the pain out without it turning me bitter.
Of course, I’m still hit with pretty low moments. Yesterday was a sad 5-year anniversary. I don’t think these days will ever pass by without acknowledgment and sorrow for what could have been.
This year something feels different. I started the year not knowing if my husband and I would even be able to keep our home. My job was coming to an end and my husbands was changing. We watched as things went from bad to worse with the pandemic. During lockdown my sense of loss shifted. I found myself feeling relieved that should something happen to us; we would not be leaving a child an orphan. Relived that whilst none of us can control what is happening in this world, we didn’t have to explain or try and shield little humans.
At the same time a dear friend discretely let me know she was due to have a baby after many years of trying. She was so compassionate in her approach to contact me directly with a gentle heads-up. She also thanked me for sharing previous WCW articles at a time she was struggling with the possibility of being CNBC herself. She cared. Really cared! It left a warm feeling in my soul. If one article reached a person who needed to hear they were not alone, then why shouldn’t I feel proud to express myself publicly?
As for my friend’s news I actually cried with happiness for her. Probably for the first time in years there were no jealous pangs. No gut punches and no bitterness whatsoever. My joy took me by surprise. At best I feel numb for days/weeks when I hear something like this. Quite often I can’t help but feel hurt and a bit jealous. Perhaps this special lady broke the mould, as not many new moms have such class and sensitivity. That defining moment made me take note that I have come a long way in five years.
My creativity came back this year. I now find passion in making jewellery and I am slowly but surely moving forwards. I can concentrate more on details that would have been a blur. I find through the ups and downs I can still laugh when something is really funny. I can handle myself a bit better each time there is a new announcement. I don’t automatically turn off the tv when there is a baby on the screen. More signs of moving forwards. All you can do is move at your own pace and know you will always have support if you reach out to your tribe.
Tanya Wannerton