I am Elly Kellner, a singer-songwriter from the Netherlands.
Last Christmas I was sat home alone, aged 43 with my cat and pondered on my life so far and how most of my friends are now mothers or mothers to be. When I was about 8 years old I made the concious decision “I shall not have children myself”. At age thirtheen I even wrote this statement in my diary saying that I should read this back if I ever changed my mind as a grown-up and suddenly wanted to reproduce.
Through the years the motto “I shall not have children myself” felt quite empowering and I ussually shrugged and laughed away the idea of me becoming a mother. Some time after my fortieth birthday a wave of grief appeared and my heart and spirit ached because of my childlessness.
On Christmas day suddenly so many things became clear to me; the old motto, the reasons behind its existence, the explanations behind the trouble I've had seeing or holding my friends babies.
Today I am a concious woman, a creative singer and my heart is warm and open. But the motto “I shall not have children myself” belongs to the child I once was. The child that suffered mental abuse, mind control and neglect in a gloomy family setting. The child that had to run away from home in order to protect herself from more damage. She wanted to make sure her experiences would not be repeated or passed on to another.
As a teenager and young adult in full-time therapy I realised I needed a lot of time and energy to heal myself in this lifetime so I kept the motto nearby. I am still in therapy, suffering from mental health issues as well as fibromyalgia. I still need more time for me.
In my heart of hearts, I would have wanted to carry a child, give birth and be a supportive mother in my own little family. But the circumstances and consequences of my upbringing forced me to make a different decision from early on. It sometimes feels like that choice was made for me and I grieve what could have been had my childhood experiences been different.
All these things went through my head on Christmas day and I started writing the song I Could Have Made a Child. The melody and words flowed from my pen so naturally, when I was done I was astonished and very grateful.
Since then I've made room for my grief by speaking about it with friends and joining a Facebook Group for support. Singing the song at first whilst crying and later recording it to be released into the world. Creating and editing the music video for the song also helped me process my feelings.
I Could Have Made a Child is now the title track of my new EP that was released two days ago, 18th September, almost 9 months after it was written. As it coincides with the World Childless Week I just love the synchronicity in all of this.
I've been writing songs since I was 9 years old and as always my songs help me deal with my emotions. I share my music in the hopes that it may soothe others as well, so I hope you may find some comfort when listening to it.
Due to technical issues and my fibromyalgia I won't be able to finish my music video on time for my EP release this week. I'm sad I can't show my video in the week of World Childless week because I know it would make the music even stronger with moving images, but now I will have to let the song speak for itsself.
I hope to release my video in the next three weeks.
To listen to I Could Have Made A Child click here
You can watch the video here
photographer: Ann Beckers
I Could Have Made a Child
I could have made a child
I have the body for it
I could have made a child
And it would be grown by now
I've got the hips, the womb
The loving heart
I could have made a child
I could have made a child
And I could've fed it peaches
I could have made a child
And taught it to rise each day
To stay close to its own heart
Find strength in vulnerability
I could have made a child
But all this time I have spent
Making myself a happier person
All this time I have spent
'Cause I needed more time
For me
I could have made a child
And written songs about it
I could have made a child
And hear how it sings
Could've caressed it and blessed it
With all my creativity
Yes, I could have made a child
But all this time I have spent
Making myself a happier person
All this time I have spent
'Cause I needed more time
For me
I could have made a child