Like many experiencing confinement at home, there have been a few emotional struggles. Anxiety brought on by not knowing what lays ahead. A heightened awareness of how life as we know it can change overnight. Having to unexpectedly process the loss of someone you love, without getting the chance to say goodbye! I really feel time stood still these past two years.
Around this time last year, I started to sell jewellery online. I hadn’t realised back then how this one thing providing a great distraction, would force me to confront a strong trigger! I naively thought listing my jewellery on a selling platform was all I needed to do. Not so! I soon realised the need to get my brand on social media. Being so introvert, I can’t say I have ever been a fan! Facebook was great for finding CNBC support groups, and friends (I will be forever thankful for), but it is also confronting. Those horrible, targeted ads popping up for IVF clinics and parenting things, along with tactless/thoughtless posts and announcements (you know the kind) on your newsfeed! I never gave Twitter or Instagram a chance.
Do I quit before I start? Or do I try this?
Since then,I’ve worked hard networking within Instagram crafting circles. Building a small customer base. Offering mutual support as we all grow our businesses together. There are some wonderful people out there. What I hadn’t considered were all the baby related arts and crafts. I started out in floods of tears. You see, baby clothes were my kryptonite, pulling at the heartstrings! They are reminders of what will never be! On top of that, there was an assumption that all female crafters my age are mumpreneurs, club-mommy, moms in business! I started getting group invites to join, but obviously it’s not for me.
It’s on reflection, one year later that I see I am still moving forward! Do you still dream about your children? Who they would be at this age? What would they look like today? Can you see yourself calling out their name? I can, I do, & I do it with a feeling of love, not agony like I once did. I have found myself buying mementos for my 3 angels. Little crochet forget me knots, mini macrame feathers and a beautiful trio tealight holder with their names etched on. I continue to light candles for them and suspect I always will. I can now look at images of crib mobiles, teddies and tutu’s without feeling punched in the guts! Having that exposure daily has helped somewhat! Yes, a sadness still washes over me from time to time. It always will, but I have started to see past an image. I see the love put into each knitted blanket; the skill applied to every bootie. I know the world is not out to get me, much as it sometimes feels that way! Grief comes and goes, but one thing I find grows a little more each year is the inner strength to face it.
Our journey and progress is not about taking giant leaps, but a succession of tiny steps. The small victories that pass like a whisper slowly start build, until one day you notice the small changes within. I hope one day they layer up to bring peace.
Baby Clothes
Baby clothes, oh those sweet baby grows…
How you torture my soul!
Of all the things to make my eyes sting,
baby clothes are beyond my control.
Walking through stores, I so cannot pause
for a second near those baby aisles.
Bonnets and socks can stillcause aftershocks,
on my heart that feels torn into tatters!
No-one else knows how this pain ebbs and flows
from the sight of those booties and mittens.
A trigger for me. Will I ever be free,
to live my life now it’s rewritten?
Tanya Wannerton