I’ve been on long winding journey of sunshine and shadows, deep into the depths of life, my mind and soul. There has been I suppose a type of self-torture over the last five years where I normally a ‘rescuer’ of others became a victim of good willing individuals including family, friends, strangers wanting to be a ‘rescuer’ for me, but in turn their words supported further the chains of grief that I was unable to share, without the false hope expressions such as ‘ your time will come’, ‘you’re still young’, ‘have you thought about’, ‘have you tried’, rather than being present and actively listening to the hurt of not being able to be something I’d always dreamed about, a mum. It was not their fault how they dealt with my feelings, many people do not know the right words to say to another struggling with grief, especially disfranchised grief.
I am a Godparent to 9 children from family and friends, they are adored and loved, and I am an amazing auntie. I am a loving wife and partner of 12 years, happily married, a dog mummy and I have a career that I have shaped with care and love as a nurse. I am so grateful for the family, friends, love, and support that I have in my life, which I know not everyone has. I have found though, I can be my own biggest strength, I’ve tried to capture the times through reflection where I have felt lost or hurt and wrote them down, acknowledged my own feelings and then when I am ready move forward. Here are some of these snippets, over five years the forwards (not always documented) and backward motions of sunshine and shadows, to the emergence of a more content me.
On the Dark Days…
On the dark days... Feels like am drowning and yet there is no water. I feel like a pit of bottomless emptiness, but also like an elephant in the room all at the same time. Nothing seems wrong in my life and yet nothing feels right, a constant lump in my throat of just holding on. Just holding on to whatever hope I had left and a thought process I just can't shift. A childless life? Will I have to fill this void forever? Do I have to give up on hope to move on? These questions float, yet I can't seem to answer.
I am on a journey of looking in and back at me.... constantly reminding myself tomorrow is a new day, a new sunrise, I know this dark day shall pass. Everything will be OK; I will feel better as I grow with time. At times it feels so exhausting trying to get there.... get where? the next day, month, year, chapter, the next adventure... No... Just peace of mind & contentment for the here and now. What helps I found is knowing that I am not alone, I can take my time, I can be me, I can share thoughts and be heard, I can move forward as am ready, knowing it’s OK to take a step back from time to time, to allow me to move forward again.
Poof Just Like That…
Poof just like that... I've realised I have been managing, I've been fine. Not lost deep within thoughts, not felt alone, isolated, unworthy. For how long I am not sure I've just been fine, a couple days maybe, or even weeks, months... I am not even sure I remember what the tipping point from raw emotion was to being fine, I do not know the transition I went through... Those thoughts seem to fade into the background and life went on slightly.
Then poof just like that an insensitive comment from a loving friend, unawares, without thinking, without mindfulness, without recognition just catapults me back to the deep raw emotions when I least needed them while supporting my unwell husband. I've held those words for days now I can't seem to shift them, I don't understand why... 'Enjoy your child free night'. It's Like the earth has swallowed me whole, suffocated me, deep lump in the throat moment, unable to swallow and shift, the almost instant pressure within your nose trying to hold your breath to gather your emotions, the changes in hearing, lots of white noise fills the mind like a deserted large conference room echoing the silence, the loneliness, the complete and utter grief of being just so heartbroken...
Then there's the words of hope that floods back through, it still may happen for you, am still young, who knows he may get better. Then a different type of guilt comes through, why me, why should I be the lucky one with so many struggling with this. So much overthinking, is exhausting when you’re in the full thick of a setback, falling asleep on the sofa waiting to go to bed is so easy my god please let me stay there ... Yet hello darkness my old friend at bedtime wide awake listening to the breathing of a loved one next to me, hoping I drift off soon as silent crying is unbearably hard to do, but I've mastered that too.
I saw a beautiful brave lady friend from Work today, she is childless too and openly shares her feelings, she asked today how I was, 'I've been fine with a smile,' she knew and said that doesn't fill me with confidence, but you don't have to share... The double check in approach - she has this down to an art and then without even trying words fall out of me like sand falling through an hourglass jar, I can't stop till every grain of sand falls out, she listens, she is present, I feel heard, I feel human, I can breathe and hear again, I grieved safely today.
I realise I am not as lost as I thought, I am not alone. I may just actually be in a blip and not a full throwback, I am laughing and linking positive thoughts, the white noise clears further, the anger of insensitivity and rawness of emotion eases, maybe today was the peak and from tomorrow I will feel better, I will keep trying, being present, I will find me... I can't thank her enough, the power of a friend.
That look towards you…
That look towards you from others who do not know that a childless life is like theirs, family, friends love & laughter, yet they don't always know what to say when they see you, awkwardness of their face as you stand with friends and their children... ‘How are you, alright’? ‘Yeah, thanks am good’ and then they quickly scoot to the side straight past to those with little ones, ‘hey oh hasn't she grown’, ‘how is she’, ‘how are you’, ‘is she walking now’? clearly its known how to interact with babies and the mums, that's normal...
Maybe I'm weird, something wrong with me, odd one out, maybe or am just me but am so thankful today at least I wasn't asked the question, when's your turn?
The Self Set Back…
Found myself standing today in our smallest bedroom, not sure how long I was there for before I realised, I was warped into a moment of here we go again, childless thoughts, longing for that experience of ‘just’ being a mum, nesting, planning, decorating that bedroom... Which at present hosts a dog bed, which my spoilt furbabie doesn't use and clothes drier!
You think you get over one waterfall and life seem to settle back to gentle waters, thoughts disappear then out of nowhere another rush of personal thought flow, another waterfall... Lump in your throat moment, dull ache in your head just annoyed, pained for going back into that thought process, now how long will it take for re-healing, fixing me, I am getting tired of the process and I am unsure if anyone but my own mum is aware. I love her so much; she would make an amazing nanny and I just wish I could give her that experience too. Life moves on so quickly, days, weeks, years go by, many of my friends have children, babies all grown up, lives moved on and on, but me I am still here, still standing in the same thought process, lost in a moment, another moment of thought.
The Glass Ceiling…
On anyone’s journey it can be invisible to the unfocused eye. It appears with no warning and with no invitation. A limbo state of deep hidden roots held in the presence of a moment in time, lost in a direction, held back by fear. What if, what's next, what now. Look up, see a mirror image, questioning, doubting, criticising - that's the limit, your own limit. Saturated with thoughts, disbelief, who am I, how did I get here. A pause in time. Then a remembrance of experiences, strength, independence, courage, change, evolution... Constantly developing into a new being, day by day. Pressure to move forward, move forward on the journey, push through the unknown. Until, smash! Through that glass ceiling and emerge through new beginnings, new adventures, new you, achieved through reflection, growth, presence, truth. I am me, a loving, caring, Daughter, Wife, Auntie, Friend, Dog-Mummy, and Nurse.
Now over that bordering edge, on the road to contentment, strength, and resilience to not be a victim of others empty ‘let’s fix it’ words or my own mind... I am here, I have chosen to be here despite everything, the years of hurt and yet I've come through today... A new me, I'm over that waterfall into gentle waters, I am no longer present more in the shadows, I am in the glorious warmth of sunshine, grateful for the love and life I have and want to focus on sharing the precious time we have, no regrets... “Let your dreams run wild, then be brave enough to follow.”
With Love and laughter xx
GW
A couple photos from one of my many spirit/peace walks:
