Christa Dawn Nice
I am unique, one of a kind: I'm a nature lover, a gardener, an adventurous cook, a history lover, a thinker, a dancer, a teacher, a hard worker, a wife, a pet lover, a seamstress, and a miriad of other things too numerous to count. I've always been my own person, a little bit quirky. I'm feminine, I'm intellectual, I understand mechanics, and I'm creative in problem solving.
When growing up, I didn't always feel like I fit in, and didn't know why, but as I got older, I realized I never fit the mold of any one type of person, and that made it hard to fit in.
I was friends with both guys and girls but didn't have any dating relationships. I've always gotten along very well with guys and I didn't really mind the friendship but I wanted someone to be a life partner with, however, I couldn't seem to find someone who would accept me as I was. As I went through my twenties and my friends were getting married, I began to worry that I might end up single. I have a single aunt that I'm pretty close to and another lady at church that I looked up to was also single and so I started just praying that "Lord your will be done and maybe it's your will that I should be single".
Growing up my desire was to find a partner and have a life with them. I was never baby-crazy but I thought that kids would follow after getting married. I've always loved kids. I had younger cousins first and then as I grew older I started teaching Bible School and Wednesday night program and Sunday school and I loved working with the kids, and I especially loved working with the preteens.
When I was 28, I finally found the man I wanted to spend my life with. Benjamin was fun, intellectual, unique, accepting, and he also loved kids! He loved me for me, he actually appreciated that I was smart and resourceful, rather than feeling threatened by my intelligence! Within a few months of knowing each other, we realized we loved each other, and began to talk about raising kids together.
Then one day he told me he was genetically infertile and he would never be a biological father. I don't remember if he asked me if I would be okay with that, but I thought about it and I answered that although I wanted to be a mother and I always thought I would be a biological mother, I would be fine with adopting our children. We continued to grow closer and we got married the next summer.
After a couple years of marriage, I felt like something was off, because he wouldn't talk about adoption anymore and wasn't very affectionate, and I started to feel rejected. Then he told me that he wanted to be healed so that he could be a biological father. We prayed about it, but it didn't happen and a after a year or so, he was depressed and I felt even more alone. So I tried to comfort him while not feeling like I had anyone to comfort me, and I tried even harder to get him interested in me, but nothing seemed to work. I ended up having to plan about all the social activities for us, and it got so tiring for me. Then he realized he was ADHD and autistic, and that answered some questions, but although we tried to work on our relationship, it didn't improve very much. It was so frustrating for both of us!
He felt like a failure and I felt so alone.
Meanwhile, our siblings' families continued to grow, until now we have 11 nieces and nephews, ranging from age 26 to age 7. I loved cuddling all of my nieces and nephews when they were small, played with them as they grew, and now love watching them grow up to become their unique individuals themselves. We loved all of them but there was still the ache of not being able to be parents ourselves, and it was really hard to get my husband to talk about feelings, so I still felt alone.
I tried talking with friends about my struggles in my marriage and how I was feeling about being childless, and most of the time I got a caring but clueless response, but I think it's hard for them to understand because they're all parents. In my thirties and early '40s, it seemed that anytime I met a new woman at work, she always asked me if I have kids. And when I respond that I don't but I wanted to, I get all the strange responses and prying questions, ranging from disbelief to people assuming that I don't like kids, to people asking me have I considered adoption, to people saying that I have pets so that's a good substitution for children, to all kinds of stupid stuff. It makes me so hurt and angry that people make those assumptions and feel free to make those comments. I am so much more than just a childless woman!!!
Even my mother and my mother in law weren't very sympathetic. I recently began to realize that maybe it's just that they have plenty of grandchildren (My mom has six and my mother-in-law has five), and so they don't have space to be concerned about whether I have any and what my feelings are about the subject. In any case, I feel like an outsider now, even in my family.
Recently, I've really been working on my mental health and have been working through a lot of these things, and my husband has as well, and we're really starting to accept not being parents, but it's really hard to get over the hurtful treatment we've received from others who just don't understand. I am so grateful for groups like World Childless Week!! Here I don't feel alone, I feel like I fit in!!! Here is a group of men and women who don't judge each other by whether they have children or not, but they are interested in supporting each other and encouraging each other to become everything they are meant to be!!!
