Penny
I don’t have the time, support or capacity to sit with grief like I have had, and I’m ok with it.
I don’t know when I realised it, I don’t think it was when I turned 50, but maybe. Something shifted.
When I went through my disenfranchised grief in my 30s it went on for so long and I had no idea why I was so frustrated and sad. I was single and everyone (it felt like everyone) around me was having kids and getting too busy, dynamics changed, conversations changed. It was heart breaking and isolating for me yet outwardly I excelled with promotions, bought a house, travelled, began to subconsciously (I guess) make friends with others who didn’t have kids. I felt in no way worthy of acknowledging the feelings I had even if I did understand what was happening to me. So, this pain was internalised and eventually overcome with some fairly extreme physical challenges which were cathartic for mind and soul (albeit torturous on my feet and toes).
Somewhere in my 40s I met a bloke and truly believed he was my forever (despite some red flags love bombing me pretty fiercely ). I went through a miscarriage that turned everything upside down and in total contrast to the experience in my 30s I felt a need to be seen and heard in my grief. I felt worthy of acknowledgement for the loss I went through. I had something tangible to grieve and I had a partner to share my feelings and experience with. He might not have understood exactly what I was going through (he had kids) but I got to sit with that grief. Did I sit for too long, maybe but I hadn’t known this sort of acknowledgement and it felt like a balm, even if it wasn’t appropriately applied. This grief was physical, it gave me stomach issues and migraines that hospitalised me more than once.
Now in my 50s, 3 years post the end of that relationship and waiting for a very teasing 12 month reprieve from my periods and I whole lot of talking to other women who live a life without children I feel so worthy in my ability to express my experiences and acknowledge what I’ve been through. Its messy and complicated at times but mostly it was me doing the best I knew how. What I want for my voice is to ensure all women without children find each other and find comfort in conversations and time that is not interrupted by sticky fingers, school zones chat or worse conversations starting with … “as a mother…”.
I want every 30 something, heck, every women to know their worth, their achievements, their space in this world is extremely important, for the simple reason, that they occupy it.
If you don’t have that sense of worthiness find your people, trust me we are out there and even if you find 1, it will invariably lead to more because we occupy every corner and crevice of this world, we are mighty, we are all things, we are worthy. I am worthy. Hear me roar.
