I wasn’t sure as a young adult that I would want children, but as the years moved on, I realized that raising a child of our own with my partner was something I was truly longing for. I spent the early years of adulthood building my career, and in a relationship that was not right for me. By my early 30s I met the true love of my life. He is the most beautiful man I know and he wanted to be a father. We felt we could be amazing parents together.
We tried for quite some time to have a baby on our own, each month another agonizing disappointment. We went to the doctor and began our fertility journey. It lasted years, starting with medication, then IUI, then IVF. Failure after failure after failure. We suffered, I became very depressed, my body felt horrible. We completed a cycle of IVF, and when I got the call that I was pregnant, to my surprise, it was not a joyous moment. Infertility has a way of robbing you of almost every possible joy that our society has us fantasizing about. Those special moments, being able to surprise my partner with some fun gift, imagining our excitement and certainty that we were going to be parents in nine months because I was pregnant! Instead, we were both filled with fear as we knew we had to make it through so many more hurdles before we could be sure that this dream would come true.
We went to the fertility clinic in order to get levels checked and blood work, ultrasound etc. We waited in a patient room for next steps when the student doctor entered and slid some results on a paper across the table wanting me to read it. She looked at me with sad eyes. I looked at the paper briefly, then looked at her and said...no, you need to explain this to me. She shared that I had a miscarriage and was no longer pregnant. It was week 8. I began to cry as my partner held me in his arms. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day. That night as I fell asleep I just saw a black hole. For the first time I realized that having a child would not be possible and that my partner and I would never build a family. I was tired, he was heartbroken, we were in pain and out of resources and knew we had to give up.
I was expected back to work the next day as we don’t have bereavement days for miscarriage and fertility treatment is not considered a voluntary treatment which does not allow for sick days. I tried to follow my normal schedule.
I always hit the drive through at our local coffee shop on my way in to work. I pulled up and on the back of a van in front of me was one of those stick family car decals. You know the ones, it shows a mom and dad and their children, complete with little identifiers of their interests? This one had a family complete with a baby. I stared at this decal as I went through the drive through and my emotions grew, first a painful sadness and overwhelming grief, then anger. I wanted to scream and smash that window with the damn stick figure family. I imagined how happy and perfect the lives of those inside that van were. They had a baby, a family, screw them.
There were no more chances, medically we were unable to have our own child. This pain continued for the next 3 years, I developed a bad relationship with alcohol which has now ended (thank goodness). I with my partner worked hard to try and figure out how to build a life without a child.
As we tried to move on, folks continued to ask about my future as a mom. People would say things like, “you never know” or “just adopt”. I’d hear endless stories like... “my sister saw a nutritionist, acupuncturist, ate pineapple etc.... and eventually she had twins”!
I’ve heard it all and truly, I don’t get upset at folks that say things like this. They want happiness for you and they want you to experience the joy that it is to have a child.
I am no longer resentful at mothers who are newly pregnant or moms at work who gush over their children. I am very happy for these folks now....but for quite some time, these were very hard things to navigate. Be kind to yourself. Get yourself some childless friends IMMEDIATELY. They will have your back.
There are still times that are very hard. For me, Halloween, back to school and Mother’s Day are days that I must steer clear of social media, I must take care of myself, I must face and feel the grief.
And those damn stick family stickers....well they still get under my skin.
There is light, I was lucky to have information to read and stories to follow thanks to the brave people from groups like Gateway women and blogs on being childless not by choice. I have not met one single woman from those groups or blogs but they have pulled me through some of the darkest days of my life from afar.
I learned that sometimes we have to give up hope to move on, that we must grieve the loss of a child we will never meet, that we must care for and love ourselves and that we too deserve a beautiful life full of love and joy. I have this now. My partner is the most beautiful man in the world. I have beautiful nephews and a niece who is so special. I have the most gorgeous puppies, friends and a wonderful career. My partner and I have built a life of love in spite of the pain, the longing, the grief.
There is peace and love awaiting, you are not alone, allow your anger and grief, love yourself and allow others to love you. You are special and wonderful even if you couldn’t have children. Even though you will always have a hole where your child should have been, You are worthy, you can be blessed. Xo
Meredith Armstrong