We have hearts. We have skills. We have intelligence. We have compassion. We have a sense of
humour. We are a valid and meaningful part of the world. We don’t have children. Not being able to
be parents, for whatever reason, is no reason for us to (eventually) feel that we are not worthy. I’ve
included the word ‘eventually’ because depending on where you are in your grief will change how
you feel about that statement.
For years I felt unworthy as a woman because my body didn’t do what it was ‘meant’ to do. I wasn’t
able to have the bump, the baby, the happy family. I wasn’t able to create the happiness, the
memories, the fun, the dreams, the legacy. My life was not worth living. There was no way out of
this horrible black swamp of being Childless Not By Choice.
I also felt completely excluded from so many groups in society, and this added to my sense of
unworthiness. It also added to the layers of shame, grief, betrayal, sadness and utter despair that I
experienced. The obvious exclusion from mothers’ groups was a knife to my heart. Less obvious
exclusion came from not being able to participate in conversations in social and work groups. Oh,
and then small family groups, and then those big family gatherings. And the Christening events. And
visits to friends’ houses with small children. And Christmas. And then ... just about any occasion that
involved other people felt off limits to me, as most of them would involve ‘normal’ people, ie adults
who managed to have children. I used to physically leave a room when people were talking about
babies, pregnancies or children. Usually with my chin trembling, or my eyes starting to water. Or my
heart starting to break. Again.
My sense of self-worth was completely destroyed. Not being able to conceive, either naturally or
through 5 rounds of IVF, was a death sentence on happiness, and finding meaning in my life. If
“motherhood is the best job in the world” then I was left with the discarded job that nobody
wanted. An infertile, barren woman. How could anyone accept me as I was? How could I accept
myself? I’d invested so much work, effort, tears, thought and money into trying to become a
mother, what was wrong with me? Why wasn’t my hard work and determination paying off?
Over time, and healing, and self-discovery, and with self-granted permission to let go (and that’s a
whole other story!) I’ve now found my worth. My self-worth is different to your self-worth. We all
have our unique stories and places in the world. But we have so much love, authenticity, kindness,
creativity, empathy and understanding that we are completely deserving of a place in the world. We
are women. We are men. We “just” don’t have children.
Our spirit, our strength, our values and our core cannot be taken away from us, “just” because we
aren’t parents. I used to feel that I wasn’t valid in any way. Now I feel the opposite. I’m as
completely worthy as the next woman. I just don’t have children, that’s all. (And for those who are
reading this thinking “how can you possibly say that!”, when I was in the depths of loss and grief, I
never thought I could feel ok without being a mother. Please know that it gets better. You are
allowed to heal, and there are other choices for you when you’re ready.)
I am worthy. I am worthy and content. I am so worthy.