D Z
I started writing in the World Childless Week of 2020. Since then, I talk about the feelings that ebb and go as we come to terms with our involuntary childlessness. Last year, I wrote about how I was reminded about the fragility of life through my sister’s second pregnancy difficulties and the unexpected confession from my friend Tina about her abortion.
This year, Tina sent me a message “D, I write to you because you are important to me and because I know how difficult it has been for you not being able to be a mother. I wanted to let you know that I am going to try to get pregnant and that if it happens, I would like you to be one of the friends I can share this with. Hugs, Tina”.
When I found out about my sister’s pregnancy through a one-line message in the family chat: “I have some news, you will have a nephew.” A mix of emotions(see Episode 3) resurfaced and condensed in tears. With my friend’s message, tears dropped too. This time from profound gratitude. She started by acknowledging my feelings, she communicated the journey she was about to start and gave me the option to be part of it.
When I did not respond with congratulatory messages to my sister’s one-liner, my mom sent me a message separately pointing out my silence. I caved in, and congratulated. My nephew was born healthy and chubby. I visited for the delivery and went back to busy life in New York. I saw them again this summer. I loved holding him and making him smile. The backdrop was an Italian villa by the lake with a long table where big families share fresh food. Like in the movies. I made the trip without my partner as wedges had opened in our relationship recently. I knew I was putting myself in a place of vulnerability, seeing the families in a life I will never have. But holding my nephew, being greeted by my niece and having some family time was worth it. I knew where my limits were and for the last day of the trip, I did not stay. I had exceeded my emotional quota. No one ever asked how I felt.
As I write this, it is the fifth birthday of my Bostonian niece. I did not visit this time, as I chose to work on the relationship with my partner in a weekend getaway. I got a message from my mom asking why I was not going to my niece’s birthday. I have not answered.
As we go through the journey of involuntary childlessness, we have to cope with the lack of empathy, sometimes even from our closest friends or family members. Not because of lack of love, but because of lack of a modeled behavior. I wanted to share my friend’s message as an example of how we can teach society to cope with our feelings. We are learning how to cope with them, the rest also has to learn. I was blessed by a friend who knew how to communicate with me. I am still trying to figure out how I should communicate with my family.
Tina became pregnant with twins and I am grateful for being part of her journey.
