Bindi Shah
I turned 50 recently and reflected on the last decade, and what it now means to be a few years on from my initial childless grief.
I remember turning 40. I remember the hope that I had at that time about the next stage in my journey. I had recently been diagnosed with adenomyosis and finally knew what was the reason for my heavy, painful, long menstrual periods. The diagnosis felt like a relief and at no time did the consultant say that this would be affecting my fertility. They were all smiles, didn’t seem worried and said there shouldn’t be a problem in conceiving. So as I approached 40, instead of the alarm bells and haste, I was lulled into a false sense of security and hope, that it would happen soon.
It didn’t happen…
In the following years, I was put onto a synthetic progesterone to help the adenomyosis bleeding; this affected my mood so drastically that I became depressed, anxious and had difficulty getting through my days. Coming off the hormonal treatment, I knew that IVF and the hormones I would be given, would not be a path for me. As I started to heal and get some of my life back, I remembered how when I was very young and doing charity work in India, I had always thought I would adopt. My husband and I started the adoption process – but, as you know, as I am childless not by choice, the story does not end with a miracle child.
The process broke us…
It was the most stressful, exhausting, self-defeating, traumatic thing I have ever done. The questions often implied a racial bias, which was very difficult to realise in Britain of 2016. We were seen as outside of the norm, which I had always been happy about, but was now proving to be a disadvantage. Why did we not live near our parents? Why had we chosen to relocate and live by the sea? The adoption process was the part of my childlessness journey, which has been the most difficult to move on from.
Small steps, as I always say…
After this, I realised that I was going to be childless, and began to grieve for the life I wanted, but wouldn’t have. I know a lot of you reading this will also be here with me – this realisation is always a heavy insight to bear.
So for most of my 40s, I was either suffering from adenomyosis, trying for a child, or in my childless grief. Things did take a better path a few years back when I had my hysterectomy. I had been bleeding constantly for 200 days on the day of the operation. The hysterectomy helped me so much with getting my health back, I was no longer housebound and could plan to do things and not have to cancel. During my flare-ups of adenomyosis, I would say no to social gatherings – I know you adenomyosis warriors understand.
The energy I gained after the hysterectomy allowed me to live life again in so many ways – personally, professionally and with more health and joy. I re-ignited parts of my life which I had lost, such as my meditation classes, and started writing more.
I now have a different vision of my next decade. No longer in the process of yearning and wanting a child, I have come to a gentle acceptance of life as it is. Not what I dreamt of, but beautiful as it is. A different life, but not a less life… in fact, as I continue on my path of guiding meditation and bringing in healing – I know it will be a good life.
