A one-woman show that occurs in my bathroom 2-3 times a year.

Curtain opens on Carissa, 40 years old, in bathroom when period is 2 days late: Carissa’s inner voice talking to herself:

Could it be? Sure, why not, miracles happen all the time, and you’re a hopeful person, and you’re only 41. So-and-so got pregnant at 43. You’ve been eating better and exercising and you had that great sex two weeks ago. After all, doctors don’t know everything, maybe they were wrong. I’m a healthy person with healthy cycles and a virile husband, this is IT!! It’s really happening. Wait, calm down, this has happened before, stay hopeful but be careful. Ok, maybe this could be it but let’s keep it to yourself.

Meanwhile, I’m planning the whole wonderful scenario of telling my husband the miraculous news and how happy he will be and how proud of his fertile wife.

Two days later (period is 4 days late): Carissa is at a pharmacy buying a pregnancy test, inner voice talking to herself:

This is stupid, you know it’s not going to be positive. But WHAT IF??

Meanwhile, a little flutter of hope urges me to buy the little “Me and My Daddy” book on the shelf to give to my husband when I tell him the news.

Immediately upon getting home from pharmacy and taking the test, inner voice talking to herself:

Ok, it’s negative, but wait is that a faint second blue line??

Burn a hole through the test with my stare until I go cross-eyed.

Day 1 of period, inner voice:

Carissa you’re so stupid and foolish and pitiful that you would ACTUALLY think that it would happen!! When will you get it through your head this will NEVER happen for you!!! And to think you bought a pregnancy test, how completely embarrassing. Grow up, miracles don’t happen.

Close curtain on me lying in bed and somehow feeling embarrassed in front of no one but myself.

Slowly build myself back up to normalcy for the next several months, until this one-woman show happens again later that year.

Carissa Waltenbaugh