I was born in 1971; I was raised on a farm, which was great but I was alone for almost 10 years since my siblings were very spread out in age, I was 4th and my three brothers were out of the house when I was growing up, they all had children, in fact my very first niece is only 6 years younger then me, then came along my little sister, I was almost 10 when she was born, I adored my little sister I pretended she was mine.
As far back as I can remember as a young child I would play with my friends and talk about being a mom, I knew how many children I would have and I had names picked out and sometimes the names would change here and there. Sometimes my sister and my nieces and nephews were my kids when we would play and pretend. Regardless, all through childhood up to marriage I just felt I would have children, I couldn't wait to be a mom. After all, everyone I knew had children, everyone had children didn't they?
I married at the tender age of 19, yes, very young but I had met my then husband and dated for about 6 months and feel head over heels for him. He was 16 years older than me and already had children. He said he wanted more, he had had a vasectomy and he said it could be reversed which from my research later in our marriage could have been had he been truthful about wanting more children. Regardless, after we married about two years into our marriage I was ready to get started.
My Ex kept dragging his feet, making up excuses about getting a reversal, I became frustrated and pursued other avenues, which he said he was fine with, I started with AI, my doctor had given me the temperature chart to start taking my temperature, when the thermometer showed I was ovulating I would drive to one place where the donor sperm was and pick it up and run to the doctor’s office to get inseminated. I did this month after month, every time I would wait in anticipation and every month my period would come up and I would be devastated. After about 6 months of this I started to get concerned and wonder was going on with me, my doctor said everything would be fine it would work, he didn't seem concerned and myself being young I didn't think to push the matter. I just kept trying, basically by myself.
My Ex's parents knew we were trying for a child. I remember one of the months I had had my AI I was talking to my Ex’s mother and I can’t recall how the conversation started however, I vividly remember my mother in law saying to me, “well if it doesn’t happen, (she said my ex) already has his children.” I remember how this seared my heart. I couldn’t believe she would say this to me. I don’t remember even responding I don’t think I did, I was reeling from the comment.
After a year I asked my doctor if something might be wrong, why wasn’t I getting pregnant? My doctor ran some tests, he checked hormone levels and did an ultra sound. After the testing the doctor said nothing could be found and everything was fine so it should eventually happen. However, I had a husband at the time that was not interested, he worked a lot and was really never around and would act uninterested. Then one day my ex said he had talked to the doctor that did the vasectomy, my ex said the way they had done the vasectomy it was not reversible.
He refused to do IVF, and to look into different options. I was exhausted and my marriage was struggling. I decided at that time that I would put pregnancy on hold for a while. For many years I went about my life I put having children on the back burner, it always came up though and I had such difficulty dealing with it and I yearned to be a mother. Meanwhile my then 10 year marriage was hell. I was miserable and desperate for a child, it had gotten to the point where I was not told when others in my ex’s family would become pregnant and wouldn’t tell me until I noticed. After all this and after 10 years, I had found out that my ex was having an affair with my close friend. At 29 years old I was divorced.
There was a man that I had known since I was sixteen, he worked for my father, he was 24 at the time I met him at 16 and I always felt an attraction for him. When I was 18 we had almost started dating but my father was protective and sent him away to work in another state. Now all these years later I was divorced and he was divorced, he was best friends with my brother and my brother set us up.
We started dating and then we moved in together and we were doing pretty good for about 6 months. He was working out of state about a 6 hour drive, this was hard for our relationship and we both were having a really difficult time with being away from each other and our ex's were causing issues. It all became too much for me, one day I packed my things and left. He was of course upset and we would meet up back and forth but things were such a mess for both of us, both of us had so many things to work through. After a while we just both gave up and he moved out of state to where he was working to get away. (If I had just stayed, at 29 we might have had a family) if only…He’s the one I’m with now, the one I belong with, my rock. Why did I leave, if only I had stayed?
I moved along with my life, one day I reached out to a friend that lived in another state and I wanted to leave and start over so I moved to the state my friend lived. I did okay for a while, made a lot of friends and ended up with a man I had known through these friends, I spent 5 years with him, however I spent that time on birth control because of course I wasn’t going to stay with him, life with him was very rocky, he was a drinker and just wanted a different life, he wasn’t a stable person that wanted to settle down, I knew it wouldn’t last so I knew I would not have children with this man because I knew it wouldn’t be right and I couldn’t bring a child into that. After 6 years away from family I decided it was time to go back home and be near family and my parents.
After about a year back in my home state, I had met someone who seemed to be a very nice man, he was in my church, we shared the same faith, we got along well, At this time I was around 36, I had gotten married to this man, he had also had a vasectomy but he did say he would reverse this, he had children both grown and they were very good to me also. The first year was really wonderful, he wanted to spend time together just the two of us, after the first year, I broached the subject about looking into having children he started to become distant, then, he started to become verbal. Eventually I was living in an extreme domestic situation and after 5 years he was arrested in our home for beating me up. I narrowly escaped a terrible situation; I had to literally go into hiding. I became depressed and withdrawn, I was having terrible anxiety. I was trying to make ends make a living but barely getting by.
About a year later I came across my now husband, I came across the man I was meant to be with, the one I was with before at the age of 29 that I had just left for no reason. I had missed him, after all this time there were so many times I wanted to go back and tell him how sorry I was but he had moved on. Having him back in my life now after all I had been through was so comforting, I trusted him. We were both cautious, I felt very safe with him. He had just lost his wife to cancer and was in a depression, at that time we just were there for each other, we were helping each other through major trauma, and we really care about each other, we ended up buying a little home and then after two years of just being there for each other we decided to get married.
He is my rock to this day. He does have a child but his child lives a long ways away and he is grown, he has his own live and we never really see him. My husband and I from the time we got back together we wanted to have a child, I knew it was going to be hard considering I was 42, so we started to try, after about 5 months I decided to get checked, one doctor ran hormone tests and some blood tests and said everything was fine. I have also had an ultra sound and could only say that my uterus is thick and tipped but didn’t inspect further and didn’t seem concerned. We did not have the money for any fertility treatments, cannot afford IVF, were considered too old to adopt. So we just hoped it would work out, but it didn’t and now at 49 and going through menopause. My time for a child was over.
I have struggled for over 20 years not knowing really why. I always think if only… if only I had done this…if only I had done that. I feel ashamed of my choices. I feel like I have wasted time precious time I will never get back.
Sometimes I feel like this will make me crazy with grief, I cope with sever anxiety and depression, I’m afraid of being alone, if something happens to my husband will I end up all alone with no one to care? It’s been a long and winding road of if only and I can’t seem to find my purpose, I have literally lost my faith. I wonder if I can ever feel at least okay, or I wonder if I will find my purpose.
Anon