Hearing about someone’s pregnancy has consistently been a triggering situation for me. Even the inkling that someone MIGHT make an announcement sets me into a tailspin mood wise. It’s not that I WANT to be bitter when people are understandably excited about growing their family. Simply put, I’m jealous. It’s brings up all of my feelings of the unfairness of it all that my husband and I can’t have what they are getting. It rubs salt in the wounds that I am working so hard to move past as I learn to love the life I’m living without children. It’s not anyone’s fault, but in the moment when someone tells me this happy news, all rationality flys out the window and all I feel is bitter jealousy.
Many times, when people are announcing a pregnancy, they are in a bubble of excitement that makes them unable to understand or expect anything except the unbridled excitement that everyone else will bestow on them as they prepare for their little miracle. As they should. I, however, am unable to meet this expectation. I am also a horrible poker player and have difficulty pretending that I’m happy for them! This has led to a sort of dance at our house to avoid some of these situations.
I have eliminated social media since someone is ALWAYS announcing some happy news and the lack of a “Congrats!!” Is louder than anything. My husband checks the mail and throws out baby announcements and baby shower invites so that I don’t have to see them and obsess over how I will never get to send out my own adorable announcements (and trust me, they were cute...I had them all picked out!). I have also decided that baby showers are something that I will not take part in since the last one I went to led to me crying over my plate of snacks and everyone at my table being confused as to why and uncomfortable with my blubbering. In this sense, COVID was actually a blessing for me. No social gatherings meant no big parties to celebrate other people getting what I’ll never have...and me not having to come up with a socially acceptable excuse as to why I can’t make it.
COVID and avoiding social gatherings, however, are not long term solutions to our life. Recently, I had a glimpse of what does help and a possible future where people sharing the happiest moment in their life isn’t a guaranteed gut punch to me.
As a personal trainer I have two clients, a married couple, who have been working with me for a couple of years. I used to teach middle school with the wife and she is aware of my husband’s and my personal journey and struggles with fertility. While not best friends, we are more than just acquaintances and do care about each other. I mention this only because, while I am in no way someone who should take up a ton of thought in her mind, she has shown me the greatest kindness I have experienced in a long time.
My husband and I went to their wedding almost two years ago and knew that the inevitable would be coming sooner rather than later. At the end of a training session recently I found out that it was sooner. Following our workout, they invited us to a birthday party and then looked at each other to continue on and let me know that at the birthday party they would also be announcing their pregnancy. As my eyes began their obligatory filling of tears and my heart lodged itself in my throat they both quickly rushed to explain that they wanted to let me know so that I wouldn’t be blindsided in public. They continued to let me know that moving forward over the next few months they wanted me to be included in things but they didn’t want me uncomfortable or upset and so they understood if I couldn’t make it to events and they would invite me to baby showers but would never expect me to come and be uncomfortable.
This almost immediate shift from sharing their happy news to acknowledging my grief and the fact that they were enjoying experiences I would never have validated my feelings. They empathized with me and recognized the blessing that they were getting. They went on to say to me that they couldn’t even imagine what my husband and I had been through and that we should do whatever we were comfortable with and they would know we were justified in those choices.
I was being seen. I was being seen by a friend in a way that family and those friends that were as close as family had not seen me and my grief. It affected my reaction to their news as well. My drive home wasn’t full of tears. I was not suddenly ready to host their baby shower and put their crib together. We did leave the birthday party BEFORE the baby announcement was made (with their blessing) and I will not be attending their baby shower. I can, however, not feel guilty for this. I can also look at her without bursting into tears. I can think ahead to seeing her belly grow without going into a spiral of anger and bitterness.
I can do these things because of the acknowledgement of my reality, experience, and grief. I can do this because I have now been seen. I am so grateful for this positive experience that is an example of sharing happiness while being empathetic to those who may not have it. While I can’t guarantee that the next baby announcement will go as well, I have, at least momentarily, felt a shift in my reaction to a world full of pregnancy announcements. I wish the same for everyone else struggling with the inevitable announcements that we all experience.
Jennifer Clark
Photo by Mikaela Wiedenhoff on Unsplash