I've always wanted children my whole life this was the one dream I always had having a family.
Well sadly those dreams were shattered the day I was told the chances are very slim. To then be told ivf would likely work but our nhs didn't offer this. So my world was slowly falling apart around me it felt like such a sad lonely time I could of screamed.
I was so sad for such a long time fighting for my right to the chance to become the mum I always wanted to be. Sadly I'm now quite a few years down the line and feel like I've had to shut that part of me off like a cord that was frayed "just chop it off". Well if only it was that simple hey. All these babies around us all the pregnant women how are you supposed to forget you may never have a child.
I remember 1 day during the investigations I got sent for a scan. One of biggest nightmares is sitting in that scan room with all them women and men so happy to see there little babie on that screen (ohhhh how I ache for that) well this day I found so so hard. I just wanted to die truly but I had to get through that somehow so I stuck my head in my phone and tried my best. I literally just made it to the scan room door for my investigation and I juat broke down so bad. The lady was lovely and understood how I was feeling well she said she did bit had she been infertile sat in a scan room I thought in my head but then I guess they see it alot. The one thing I wish being infertile though is to have a scan room I can go to and just know that no pregnant women would be there, the ache and yes probably jealousy do find there way out of my head at that point. It just makes you feel so worthless and makes you ask yourself them dreaded questions, why me, what I done to deserve this. I'm still not over that fear of scan rooms.
I have been trying for about 10 years to get the dream I always wanted but sadly it just hasn't happened. All that anger I felt is still very much there I've just learnt how to control it a bit better. I just wish we could all get the dream but sadly not all of us will. We have to find a way to carry on with the world spinning but somehow ours just feels like it's going slower.
People say you have lots of kids around you and yes we probably do but that ache in my heart will never leave its piece of anger that will sit there forever in me. But I will live my life best I can childless but full of hope, because hope is what gets me through each day. Not the anger or the frustration the HOPE. Let that carry you through each day.
Emma Edey