Hi there my name is Janet and this is my story. I was happily married at 23 to my best friend and we had our whole lives ahead of us. Financial stability, a great marriage, wonderful jobs, four kids and the white picket fenced beautiful dream home was going to be ours. It was going to happen to us just like it did everybody else.
As you know life certainly throws us curveballs. At the age of 26 I had the overwhelming urge to start our family. Husband and I were very excited, so, I came off the pill and things were just going to be “easy”
Until...
My periods didn’t come back on their own. Not for 14 months. My father who I was very close to was suddenly diagnosed with IPF. As a nurse I knew the diagnosis of this lung condition wasn’t great and with that came a lot of stress. Husband and I moved closer to be with my dad. Within 12 months of diagnosis my father passed away. My world literally came tumbling down. A loss and grief I’d never experienced before. A hole left in my heart.
I sought help from a gynaecologist and was placed on Clomid to get my body to ovulate. Which it did. I was consequently bleeding every month (be it a forced bleed) so at least we could “try to conceive”. A few months after my dad passed away my husband became emotionally distant and decided he wanted to physically separate, eventually declaring his love for somebody else. So within a six months timeframe I lost the two closest men to me. My dad then my husband.
Nursing at the time was very difficult. I wasn’t coping with the demands of work as well as having my personal life in tatters. My period did return on its own out of the blue (which was a miracle) considering everything that was happening at the time.
At the age of 30, I found myself divorced and depressed. I just hung in there and tried to pull my life back together again. I still dreamt one day I would have my perfect family.
All of a sudden my brain and body literally “shut down”. I lost 20kg in 1 month, kept getting sick and ended up bedridden for 11 months. Consequently giving up work and moving in with my mother. I could not toilet myself shower or dress and was in extreme pain and exhaustion. I was reliant on my mother to do everything for me. Very humbling experience to go through in your early 30s. I was diagnosed by a specialist months later with severe chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) and fibromyalgia.
The next couple of years for me were so hard emotionally mentally and physically. I had nothing. Not even my health. All I did have was my faith. That was what kept me going.
In my mid 30s I was advised to move to a warmer climate so I moved to the Gold Coast, Australia. With much determination and grit I started a new life. I met Wayne within 4 months and married within 10 months! We just clicked amazingly well. Wayne had two girls from a previous marriage who were 11 and 13. Step motherhood proved a steep learning curve and we had pressures from every which way.
Wayne and I had talked about having a child together as Wayne had always wanted three children (a boy). I at least wanted one (but really still longed for my 4 kids!)
We chose to commence an IVF round unbeknownst to me it would trigger my CFS. It was unsuccessful and I took months to recover. Wayne seeing how sick I got said he’d get a reverse vasectomy (he’d had a vasectomy after his youngest was born at his first wife’s request). Again we just innocently assumed it would all work out and we would have a son within a year. Scar tissue built up in Wayne after the reversal and he again had minimal sperm.
With blended family pressures, financial issues and so much emotional stress, we really struggled in our marriage. We did another round of IVF to which I got very sick again. So we turned to another reversal which this time worked, however, still no conception.
Many many years of fertility diets, pills, supplements, procedures, surgeries, counselling, fertility gurus and specialist appointments, tens of thousands of dollars spent... despair and disillusionment setting in.
I was told at 37 years of age to consider donor eggs to which I had no interest whatsoever. I was determined to have my own child with my own eggs. So third round of IVF for us... then round 4 and 5... Only ever getting one embryo remaining (blastocyst) and implanting it back every cycle. Never any embryos to freeze. Years and years of trying. Gut wrenching heart ache and disappointment over and over and over again
I was still never ever going to give up on my dream. Round 6 at 44 years of age we implanted one remaining embryo. This time it stuck and we had a pregnancy. I cannot explain to you in words how ecstatic we were! My first pregnancy. The joy I had was out of this world. The hole in my heart finally filled!
I was getting more and more nauseous as time went on. A great sign. Week six with the examination showed a heartbeat on the scan. The elation, the excitement, the relief. The doctors words to us were “well done guys you made it after such a long journey.” A great pregnancy - no cramping, no bleeding.
The excitement was short lived as the week 10 scan revealed no heart beat anymore. The doctors face as white as a ghost - she was speechless. Both Wayne and I left in utter despair and shock. I’ll never forget that day. Ever. Again my world came crashing down.
Baby and I were tested and all was “normal”. It was revealed - a little boy we had always dreamed of had passed away.
In Australia you can’t use your own eggs in ivf after the age of 46, so in 2019, I attempted what would be our last round of ivf. It was going to be the answer to our prayers!! Yes this would be the one!!! I was totally destroyed when that one embryo did not even take. No pregnancy.
My IVF journey of 12 years - done
My dream of over 20 years - dead
Heartbroken beyond words
Being told we are “too old” and our chances very minimal to adopt, completing fostering training and that path not ending well for us, having attempted donor as a last resort (which was unsuccessful)... We were shattered. Every door shut in our face. No more hope or avenues available for us to take.
So at almost 48 years of age, almost 22 years on from believing wholeheartedly that I would have this perfect complete family... I have no baby, my prayer has not been answered how I thought and I have a huge gaping hole in my heart. I know unless God steps in and performs a miracle ... my dream is not going to be.
I will never ever stop asking God for my desire (be it, the answer may look different to what I’d hoped for). In the meantime I am living in the in between of pain and grief beyond words, yet living with a glimmer of hope.
I’m determined to find the purpose in my pain, to grieve openly honestly and well, to grieve with hope, to keep my faith strong, to still believe there is something bigger and better for me and Wayne. Something above what we can ask for or imagine. Some good to come out of this journey.
For me this valley provides an opportunity to find hope, peace, joy, happiness and fulfilment that’s beyond this world ... A life that will be different to what I expected. A good different.
In the meantime I’m taking my eyes off myself and helping others get through pain grief and loss. I will keep my heart soft and not allow the bitterness and anger to overcome me. I will get up each day push through the hopelessness, uncertainty of the future, depression and grief to get to my destiny. It is there for me.
Janet Thomas
